Repeatedly In Many Different Positions
by The Magnificent Eight
Summary: The Scooby Gang face a new terror and set out on an idiotic mission. A round robin fic in 8 parts. Complete.
1. Prologue

Here it is folks, the moment you've all been waiting for. Live and direct from TWoP, the Magnificent Eight have slaved night and day to bring you the Buffy round robin fanfic, where each chapter will be penned by a different author.  
  
The fun begins when the Scoobies come face-to-screen with a terrifying new foe...  
  
  
  
  
  
The Scooby Gang staggered into the Summers' living room. One by one, they flopped wearily onto the nearest comfortable piece of furniture.  
  
"Aaaah, what a relief," said Xander, sprawled out on a bean bag. "That was really tough. I'd forgotten how much work it is fighting demons! Seeing as we never do that anymore."  
  
"Ugggh," groaned Willow. "That was one of the worst ever. I thought this was all going to get easier as we got older! Nice tits, by the way."  
  
"Thanks," the girls and Xander said in unison. Buffy looked slightly uncomfortable straddling Spike as he sat on a dining chair, kissing him passionately. "Buffy, surely you can use some dental tape to floss Spike's teeth?" asked Willow. "That's the third time today you've used your tongue."  
  
"Oh," Buffy broke loose and looked up, flustered. "Um, research has shown that saliva is the best way to prevent decay and plasma build-up, which causes bad breath."  
  
The others all looked at each other in bewilderment, until Willow nodded slowly. "OK, I guess that makes sense," she agreed. "Like yesterday, when we walked in and found you both sprawled under the rug, naked. But when you explained you were waxing his bikini line, and he was about to lance a boil on your butt, it seemed perfectly logical."  
  
Anya was curled up on the rug with her blindingly brassy head on a soft cushion. She clawed it like a cat settling down for the night.  
  
"Hey! Get your fingernails out of my stomach!" cried Xander.  
  
"I don't know why you guys were so freaked out by that not-scary monster," sneered Dawn. "You must have fought tons more ferocious beasts than a Spelling Bee Demon!"  
  
Just hearing the name again struck fear into the hearts of the Gang. "Look, if you'd been to high school with us, you'd understand why we were afraid," said Buffy. "I don't remember, between us, attending more than one hour of class in total, and I'm pretty sure there wasn't any spelling in it. It was just lucky for you Dawnie, that you got a word you knew so well."  
  
Dawn had been the first to answer, and being given the word 'petulant', the Gang had a lucky break and was off to a good start. Tara was next, with 'invertebrate', which was a word she was Oh so familiar with. Scoobies 2, Demon 0.  
  
Spike was next, but the word 'haemophiliac' was way beyond him. "Cor, how the bloody hell should I know? I haven't eaten one of those since the Romanovs!" Scoobies 2, Demon 1.  
  
It was Willow's turn, and when she heard the word 'penis' her hands shook uncontrollably as she took a long swig of water. She decided the best way to approach it was with sensible analysis. "Pee-ness. OK, well of course we all know what 'pee' is, and 'ness' is like 'Highness' so it's obviously some kind of royalty or god. Er, Goddess. So I'd say it's probably the Goddess of Urination, therefore it's spell P-E-E-N-E-S-S." Scoobies 2, Demon 2.  
  
Tara had shaken her head sadly. "You know honey-bun boo-boo sweety-pie, the Goddess of Urination that WE worship is called W-W-W-Whizzness. How could you get them mixed up?" she said in her most non-confrontational way.  
  
Willow looked stricken. "I'm so sorry baby-waby. That other word just confused me. I've never seen one of those rude manly-man dangly things. How would I know how to spell it?"  
  
The Gang all stared, then stared some more. Buffy muttered to Xander "I think one of her forgetting spells must have backfired," to which Xander replied "Or maybe Tara's just gone and Tabula Rasa'd Oz right out of Will's memory!"  
  
They quickly remembered the Demon and got back to the task at hand. It was Xander's turn, and, like the expert he was, he rattled off 'carbohydrate' without pausing. Buffy was next, but unfortunately her word was also 'carbohydrate', which was something she knew very little about. Scoobies 3, Demon 3.  
  
So it had all been left to Anya. There was much tension and holding of breath, before the Demon said the words 'fixed-term deposit'. The Gang breathed a collective sigh of relief as Anya screamed out the answer like a manic game show contestant, and jumped up and down and kissed the Demon when the flashing lights and appalling brassy music confirmed that she had won the spelling bee AND the attractive set of kitchen appliances. And of course, killed the Demon with her excellent spelling.  
  
"OK, it might seem lame now, but you were pretty scared too Dawnie," said Tara.  
  
"Not as scared as all of you, though. I mean, come on, what's next? A Musical Chairs Demon?"  
  
"Oh my god, I hope not!" shrieked Anya. "Those things are terrifying!"  
  
"Calm down sugar, let's just relax and watch some TV," Xander said soothingly. "We shouldn't be rattled by a little spelling bee, we're all adults. Oooh, cartoons!"  
  
Xander settled back to watch a cartoon about a skinny girl who fights demons with a bunch of hapless sidekicks, and was laughing at the absurdity of it all, when a terrifying flash and loud burst of noise came from the television.  
  
The Gang saw a rather good looking school principal-ish demon appear on the screen. "Prepare to die! Your only chance to defeat me is to carry out the tasks I am about to give you! And frankly, it's not looking too good!"  
  
"Who says we want to defeat you? We might invite you into our home, feed you and let you hang out with us before eventually beating you up and having sex with you." Buffy quickly collected herself as the others looked aghast. "Or, not."  
  
"Very tempting, little spindly one, but no dice. You will each be given a clue (and a Popsicle) and you must battle your way over many hurdles to find the item you have been designated. OR DIE!" The Demon vanished in a flash of smoke, only to reappear almost instantly. "Oh, and I forgot, WEAR COMFORTABLE SHOES! That's all." This time he disappeared completely.  
  
"Where are we supposed to find these clues? Oh my Goddess, is that a cauldron?" Willow began breathing through her mouth and drinking water at the same time, which got quite messy.  
  
"Er, no, it looks like a tub. Full of water and - no way, it's full of apples," said Xander disgustedly. "I mean, I know they're trying to highlight our immaturity, but this is ridiculous. There's NO WAY I'm bobbing for apples - unless they're candy-coated, but that goes without saying."  
  
Buffy decided that it was up to her to take control of the situation. "I'm the Slayer! I'm Buffy! I must decide what to do, as you are all just morons and - sorry, what I meant was, I don't want those nearest and dearest to me falling into danger. I must bob alone."  
  
Buffy picked up an apple with her first attempt. Well, she had been practising a lot with Spike, but that was another story. She bit into the apple and pulled out a rolled up piece of paper. "It's a clue. It says 'Heterosexuality'. What the hell is that supposed to mean?"  
  
"Hey, don't ask me!" Willow said quickly. "But I agree, if Buffy's happy to bob for all of the apples, we should just let her. Super Slayer bobbing strength and all. And it saves the rest of us getting our heads wet." Willow looked at the others hopefully, and Xander was nodding his approval when they were interrupted by another flash from the TV.  
  
"You must EACH bob for your own apple!" came the booming voice of Scavenger Hunt Demon. "Then you must unravel the clue, find the item and give it to the person it's intended for."  
  
"Why can't we just let Buffy do it?" whined Dawn. "My hair will lose it's shiny-shine!"  
  
"Because I SAY SO, little brat. It's fairer this way, and good for your teeth. And much more entertaining for me." Another blaze of light and he was gone.  
  
So each of the grumbling Scoobies bobbed for their apples. Xander nearly swallowed his clue, but eventually they all had one and were wearing goofy puzzled expressions while they studied them.  
  
Buffy read them out. "So here's the list:  
  
Backbone  
Gym Membership  
Heterosexuality  
Real Family  
Natural Hair Color  
Balls  
Appetite  
  
The Demon said we had to hunt for these things and give them to the person they're intended for. How are we supposed to just find these people?"  
  
"I think they're supposed to be for us," Willow piped up between gasps and gulps.  
  
"I don't understand," Buffy said, scanning the list. But when she came to the word 'Balls' she looked up at Spike, who was staring adoringly at her with his head cocked to one side, and without hesitating she folded the clues and handed them back to everyone.  
  
"You're right Will, they are for us, so here's how it goes. I'm the Slayer so I'll boss everyone around then act like a martyr for a minute. Then you can all shout at me, I'll get that glassy-eyed-brim-full-o' tears-look, but will get angry just before my mascara starts to run. Then I'll rush off in a huff. The rest of you can all set off on your own and hopefully run into some beloved past characters along the way. Then we'll meet somewhere spooky for the eventual battle. Got it?"  
  
"Fine," snarked Xander. "Could you turn off the television on your way out?"  
  
Just as Buffy was about to flick the switch, a commercial came on. "Nominations for this year's Emmy Awards will be announced next week. Watch our special broadcast."  
  
Buffy sat down, all the better to stare up at the others with her welling-teary eyed look. "This is it, everyone. We can do this. We can all act our little butts off. Sorry Xander, I meant you as well. This show is called Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and I'm Buffy. It's all about me. So do it for me. Give me an Emmy. And make me happy."  
  
  
  
Coming soon: Chapter Two: Time magazine calls Anya's super blond locks "The Most Visible Hair Color Ever Viewed From Space." 


	2. A Brassy, Shiny, Poofy Hair Affair

**Repeatedly. In Many Different Positions.**  
_Chapter Two : A Brassy, Shiny, Poofy Hair Affair_  
By hold_that_thought (sally@glay.org)

**Author's Notes** : This takes place pretty much after Normal Again, except for no Spuffy breakup in As You Were, Tara and Willow have patched things up, and Hell's Bell's never happened, so the Scoobs are pretty united. Otherwise we'd have a bunch of angry characters tottering around by themselves, and that's just not fun to watch...er...write.  
**Disclaimer** : blah blah Joss owns them not me-cakes  
**Dedications** : To each and every wonderful member of the M-8, but especially FaithAnne for giving me a great launching pad, and little_bit for not only getting us all organized, but for being great enough to beta. Also, to all the great people at TWoP for giving us encouragement, and especially for reading our crazy stuff. 

* * *

The Scooby gang stood in front of the house studying the list. Anya was the first to speak.  
"Well, first we should figure out who needs what, right? Heterosexuality is easy, that's Willow." Willow beamed and pointed to her "I'm gay now! Ask me how!" button. "Real family would be everyone's favorite glowing green ball of energy. Tara needs her backbone." Anya took a Twinkie and threw it across the lawn. As Xander trotted happily after it, she said, "Xander needs the gym membership. Buffy needs the appetite. Spike is obviously natural hair color."  
Xander came back, stuffed the pastry in his mouth, and laughed. "Which makes you balls? I've got your balls right here!" The gang stared at Xander. "Get it? Because I'm a guy. Who's sleeping with Anya."  
While the rest of the group rolled their eyes, Tara said, "I think Spike is the one that needs rocks." Spike glowered at her but didn't object. "You're the natural hair color, An."  
"Excuse me? This **is** my natural hair color!"  
As the group collapsed into laughter, Willow spoke.  
"Anya, your hair has been getting progressively lighter since season...uh, I mean.... 1999. You're only a few steps away from Spike. In fact, NASA just called and asked you to put a hat on, the toxic glow from your head is throwing off the astronauts."  
"Oh, you're one to talk. Your hair has gone from brownish red to almost as flaming as Angel!"  
"Guys, this is getting us nowhere. Let's just split up and start looking for stuff." Buffy said.  
Spike huffed. "Cor, who died and made you...oh. Right."  
The gang headed off in different directions, on foot, even though at least one of them probably owned a car. 

* * *

In the local drugstore, Spike perused the hair dye section, looking for Anya's natural hair color, despite not having seen her during high school. He turned to ask Buffy which brown looked like the closest match when he realized she had disappeared. First he checked to make sure the Legion of Dim wasn't lurking around with another toy, then he headed over to the next aisle.   
"Hey, pet, we're supposed to be looking at hair dye, remember?"  
"I know, but I needed to pick up a few things while I was here anyway." Buffy said, as she dropped vanilla shampoo, vanilla conditioner, vanilla body lotion, vanilla body powder, vanilla body spray, and vanilla extract into her shopping basket. "Speaking of hair dye, I've always meant to ask you, how do you bleach your hair if you can't use a mirror?"  
Just then, Joss Whedon walked by. "Oh shit, they've caught on!" he thought. He whipped out his portable word processor and made a few corrections.  
"Hey, pet, we're supposed to be looking at hair dye, remember?"  
"I know, but I needed to pick up a few things while I was here anyway" Buffy said, as she dropped vanilla shampoo, vanilla conditioner, vanilla body lotion, vanilla body powder, vanilla body spray, and vanilla extract into her shopping basket. "Speaking of hair dye, I've always meant to ask you...do you think I would look good as a brunette?"  
"Buffy, you would look good dressed in Astroturf and covered in mud. You would look good in pastel mini-skirts, big hair, and frosted makeup!"  
Buffy laughed. "Well, you obviously didn't see me in season...uh, I mean...1997. Ooh, I should pick up some more strawberry lipbalm for Dawn while I'm here!" 

* * *

Tara and Dawn were looking through spell books for Follicle Retrieval spells. Suddenly, Dawn screeched "Get out, get out, GET OUT!"  
"Goddess, sweetie, what's the matter?" Tara asked.  
"Huh? Oh, sorry, habit. What I meant to say was, did you find anything yet?"  
"Nope. Although I did find a neat spell that gets blind Russian peasant women circa 1500 to make fugly dresses out of burlap, which means I can finally stop shopping at the Salvation Army."  
There was a knock on the door. Willow came from the dining room to answer it. It was the Poland Springs deliveryman with their weekly supply of water, all 200 gallons of it. As Willow was in the kitchen putting the water away, she heard a knock at the back door. "Geez, this place is busier then Faith's bedroom tonight" she muttered. She opened the door and saw Clem standing there in a spiffy suit.   
"Hello Willow!" Clem boomed. "I was wondering if I could borrow some of your magic weed. I have a date tonight and I wanted to make a nice bouquet."  
"Ooh, who's the lucky demon?"  
"Sophie!" Willow looked confused. "From Buffy's birthday party? You know, the one who wasn't you, me, Spike, Dawn, Buffy, Anya, Xander, or Tara?"  
"Oh, the guy in the red shirt! Clem, you're gay just like me! I'm so happy, let me give you one of my official homosexual rainbow flags for your car. Do you have a car?"  
"No, no, Sophie's a girl."  
"Oh goddess, I don't remember her at all, I'm sorry."  
"That's okay, you know how it is with characters...uh, I mean...people you only see once."  
"Well, Tara's in the living room, you can try asking her for the weed."  
Clem smiled and left. To occupy herself and keep from thinking about magic, she started to peel potatoes. For some reason, she thought of Riley, and wondered how he was doing. 

* * *

Across town in one of Sunnydale's many cemeteries, Anya and Xander were still looking for Anya's natural hair color. They had already tried the local beauty parlor, McDonald's, Doublemeat Palace, and Burger King, even though Anya didn't think the last three would have it if a beauty salon didn't.  
Suddenly, they saw something brown that looked like a wig lying by a crypt. "Ooh, that must be it!" Anya said. She ran over and was about to pick it up when she let out a blood-curdling shriek and passed out. The rabbit hopped away.  
In LA, Cordelia Chase looked out the window. "What the hell was that sound?" she thought as she frowned and closed the window. 

* * *

"We really have to stop doing this."  
"Come on, luv, why stop when it feels so good? You belong here in the dark."  
"It's no good for us. And my mouth is starting to hurt."  
Buffy did another shot of vodka at the demon bar Spike had dragged her to trying to get some information on whom might have seen Anya's natural hair color.  
"Hey, I know I may not have your special Slayer senses, but something about that guy in the corner makes me think he shouldn't have a baby with him."  
Buffy looked over and saw an older gentleman holding a baby who was wearing a red sweater with a yellow "C" embroidered on it. She shrugged.  
"We don't have time to check out possible kidnappings. It doesn't look like he's going to eat the kid anytime soon, I say we let the authorities figure it out." With that she headed for the door. Spike grabbed his coat and followed.  
"You're right. Damn you Scoobs, your namby-pamby do-good crap is rubbing off on me, I'm starting to think about things that aren't even my problem! And was it me, or did that kid have exceedingly stupid, poofy hair?" 

* * *

Willow was at the dining room table Bedazzling a pair of jeans when Dawn flounced into the room and flopped on the nearest chair, the gleam off her hair temporarily blinding Willow. "How will Bedazzling help us find Anya's natural hair color, or your heterosexuality, or my real family, or any of the items? I don't want the television demon to kill us all."  
"Well, Dawnie, when you're a recovering magic addict, sometimes the only things that can keep you from cracking are Bedazzling, drinking water, and lots and lots of gay sex."   
Just then, there was a knock on the front door. "Goddess, why do we have so many visitors tonight?" Willow went over to the door and opened it, only to see a dorky looking tall guy standing there.   
"Sorry, we don't need any Watchtower magazines, we're Wiccan." she told the nice Jehovah's Witness.  
"Willow, it's me."  
Once she looked past the Gap clothes and the doofy expression, she realized it was Angel.   
"Angel! How are you? Me, I'm gay now."  
"I'm fine, but I'm here on a mission. My friend Doyle had a vision about Buffy, so I came to make sure she was okay."  
"Uh...that was two years ago. And also, isn't Doyle dead?"  
"Right." Angel tried to run his hand through his hair, but it got stuck in all the hair gel. As he struggled to pull it out, he said "What I meant was that I'm here to offer my condolences to Buffy over her mom."  
"Last year."  
"I came to reunite with Buffy since you guys brought her back to life?"  
"Been there. Angel, why are you really here?"  
"Fine. I'm here because things in LA are really bad! Cordy's a saint and now she's part-demon, there's this stupid love triangle between Wesley, Gunn, and Fred..."  
"I knew it! I knew Wesley was gay! I have to send him a copy of 'So You're Gay, What Next?' !!"  
"No, Fred is a girl. And Wolfram and Hart's biggest threat to me recently is some stupid red tape stuff about my hotel, and there's this thing with a baby, and I'm a total, callous, money-grubbing dork, if I hear the word champion one more time I'm going to go on a rampage, and it's all so stupid I can't stand it, so I'm moving back to Sunnydale!"  
"You think you've got it bad? I'm 'addicted to magic', Buffy's working fast food, Dawn's stealing, Riley and his wife Mary Su..er, Sam, came back and they were all boring, Buffy went crazy and tried to kill us all, we're fighting a trio of nerds, and I chopped off a penis monster and ground it into mush."  
Angel blinked. "Well, Freud would be proud."  
"You might as well stay. It's been at least a week since Buffy's questioned the meaning of her life, her future, her Slaying, and all that. And you can help us. A crazy television demon is making us look for various items on a list. Right now most of the gang is looking for Anya's natural hair color. We also need to find my heterosexuality, puffy Xander's gym membership, Dawn's real family, Buffy's appetite, and Spike's balls."  
"Drusilla probably still has the last item."  
"Ooh, Drusilla's hot! I never realized it before I became gay, but she really is!" Willow sipped some water and went back to her Bedazzling. Angel shook his head. Buffy's friends used to make at least a modicum of sense. 

* * *

Xander and Anya were still in the cemetery. Between Xander's having to rest every few minutes to catch his breath and their marathon sex sessions at regular intervals, they hadn't made much progress. Anya had picked up a couple of discarded soda cans that had been left around the place since she had learned that they could be traded for money. As she was tucking an empty Coke bottle into her purse, she spotted something dark and furry lying by the path.   
"Xander, look! That may be my hair! You go check while I stand back here in case it's something evil, like another bunny."  
Xander walked over and squatted down by it. He picked a stick up off the ground and poked the item with it. "Eew, it's a cat! It's a dead cat!" Anya walked over to take a look.  
"Oh my god, that's Miss Kitty Fantastico!"  
"Who?"  
"Don't you remember when Willow and Tara had a kitten?"  
"Oh yeah, and then it disappeared like that dog on the Brady Bunch. I always assumed they sacrificed it in a ritual or something."  
A rustling sound coming from a copse of trees attracted their attention and they went over to investigate. They saw that Spike had Buffy pinned against a tree, her legs wrapped around his waist, and both were moving rhythmically up and down.  
"Hey guys, whatcha doing?" Xander called out.  
"Looking...for...appetite..." Buffy panted, not missing a beat.  
"Oh, good. We're still looking for Anya's natural hair color."  
"I'm coming, I'm coming!" Buffy screamed.  
"Oh, no, you don't have to, me and Anya are okay by ourselves!" Xander said.  
Anya walked a couple feet away and picked something up off the ground. "This isn't a soda can. This is useless," she said as she chucked it over her shoulder. It hit Xander in the head.  
"Hey, hold up An, this is a bleach bottle."  
"So? It's probably Spike's. Or maybe a really, really clean demon."  
"No, I mean that we should look around for some more, and maybe they'll lead us to your natural hair color." 

* * *

Willow dumped twelve empty water bottles into the recycling bin and padded into the living room. Tara was still poring over various texts looking to answers. Dawn was edging around the perimeters of the room shoving various objects down her pants whenever she thought no one was looking. She had, after all, promised Buffy she would stop stealing from *stores*. As Dawn headed out of the room, her ass clanking with ashtrays, assorted knickknacks, and a potted plant, Willow quietly said to Tara "Is it me, or is Dawnie putting on weight?"  
Tara sighed and closed the book she was looking at. "There is absolutely nothing here."  
"Well, I could help if you want.." Suddenly, Willow started breathing heavy. Tara jumped up and poured some water in her mouth. "Thanks, that was close."  
As an anvil came out of nowhere and crashed through the coffeetable, Tara wondered if maybe Rack had somehow turned Willow into part-fish, which would explain the heavy breathing while on land and massive consumption of water. 

* * *

Anya and Xander didn't have to look far for more bleach bottles, because there was a trail of them leading to a crypt on the edge of the graveyard. Anya peeked around the corner and saw two women in cloaks stirring a large cauldron, On the table behind them was a clump of brunette hair that simply had to be Anya's. The crypt was strewn with bottles of bleach and hair dye in various shades of blonde. Xander and Anya walked in.  
"All hail, Anya! Hail to thee, Greedy Ex-Demon!" the first woman said.  
"All hail, Xander! Hail to thee, Puffy Construction Guy!" said the second one.  
"I'm not puffy!" Xander pouted.  
"Of course you are honey, don't be silly. Who are you people and what are you doing with my hair?"  
"We come from many planes and many dimensions. In this dimension, I answer to Evil Hair Nazi", the first one cooed, "and this is my sister, Evil Fashion Nazi."  
"I'm sure you're not evil..." Anya smiled.  
"Oh, but we are!" the second one said. "You should see Cordelia Chase's hair now!" The Evil Fashionistas cackled. "We control all your fashion, all your makeup, all your hair!"  
"Well, that's nice and extremely creepy, but I need my natural hair back or this demon is going to kill us all."  
"You can have it back. For a price."  
"Oh no." Xander gulped. "You don't want me to be your queen, do you?"  
The women cackled some more. "No, but I see many Hawaiian print pants, mesh shirts, and mullets in your future Xander. And Anya, your future holds much rubber, ass cleavage, and plaid. Perhaps nipple clips. And tell Spike that he's falling out of Biker Barn, making a stop at Foot Locker, and then repeatedly stumbling through the Renaissance Man costume shop. Now take your hair and go!" The Evil Hair Nazi threw the hair at Anya and both the women disappeared.  
"Well, I guess we should go tell the gang that it's one down and 6 to go."  
"I am NOT puffy!" Xander mumbled as they headed back to the Summers' home. 

* * *

Up next : "Freeze the Balls Off a Chipped Vampire." by little_bit! 

_*Notes   
- Spike's fashion prediction, Bedazzling, and the lovely image of Buffy clad in Astroturf provided by little_bit!  
- NASA gag inspired by FaithAnne!_  



	3. Freeze the Balls Off a Chipped Vampire

Repeatedly.  In Many Different Positions

Chapter Three:  Freeze the Balls Off a Chipped Vampire

By: little_bit (little_bit2ca@yahoo.com) 

Author's Notes: No balls were hurt during the writing of this chapter.  Any resemblance to balls real or otherwise is purely coincidental.

Disclaimers:  So, Joss, you're spending a lot of time on that _Firefly_ thing, huh?  Are you aware of the weird shit the characters on BtVS have been put through this year?  Uh huh.  Uh huh.  Sure, sure.  Yeah.  Wait, I never saw that episode.  Or that one.  Joss, are you sure you're not just reading fanfic?  'Cause I've got to tell you (pulls Joss aside and whispers in a conspiratorial tone, trying to break it to him gently.)  Thump.  Joss?  Joss!  Wake up buddy, it isn't that bad.  All you need to do is hit Marti over the head with one of her anvils, and we'll all be fine.  Why else do you think I write this stuff?  What's that?  You understand and don't mind?  Wow, you're incredible Joss!  Thanks for creating all this stuff.

Dedications:  To all the other **M-8ers**, who have oodles of talent and put up with my incessant emails.  Big love to **hold_that_thought** for beta-ing this chapter and for our website (http://www.angelfire.com/apes/omws/).  Many thanks to **Poly/Aiden **for the help with the end of this chapter. And to my colleagues at work, who had no idea what I meant when I asked them to name as many different types of balls as they could.  If only they knew.  And finally to **caerwyn**, who named this little group (see, I told you you'd get a shout out!)

************************************************************************

"Well, what now luv?"  Spike put his skintight jeans back on for the umpteenth time that night while Buffy searched in the bushes for her panties.  There they were.  No, wait.  Those were the ones she lost last week.  Maybe she should just stop wearing them altogether.  It would save money.

"How about the water tower?  Or maybe the dam?  We haven't done it there yet."

Spike gave Buffy one of his quizzical little held tilts.  "What are we going to find there?"

"Dunno.  Just all the water Willow keeps slinging around the house made me think maybe we should, you know, have some aquatic fun."

"I'm not talking about sex, pet."

"You're not?  What else is going on then?"

"Demon, searching for items, avoid end of the world.  The usual. Remember?  I saw Xander walk by with a dark haired girl, so I'm assuming Anya found her natural hair color.  What should we look for next?  We're pretty good at the whole heterosexuality thing, maybe we could look for -"

"No.  I'm the slayer. I give the orders around here.  We're going to look for Xander's gym membership.  Then we're going to look for Tara's backbone and Dawn's real family."

"Pet."

"Shut up Spike.  What I say goes.  That's why the show's named after me.  I'm the star.  I'm, I'm -"

"Avoiding the real issues here, luv.  Let the others find what they need.  We should be looking for the things that involve us."

"Meh!" Buffy stormed off in her huffy little manner, peeved by the fact that Spike thought he could tell her what to do.  Stupid sexy vampire.  Didn't he know he was her whipping boy?  No, wait; let's hope he didn't.  Couldn't have Spikey realizing that she had his balls in a sling, and had no intention giving them up.

"Buffy!  Come on."  Spike's superhero like vampire speed abilities allowed him to catch up to the slayer.  "The demon said you needed an appetite.  You are rather thin luv, borderline gaunt if you must know."  Buffy spun around and took a swing, which Spike deftly ducked. "I'm not complaining, it's just maybe you could eat a sandwich once and a while, keep your strength up."

"I eat!  I eat all the time!  I had a glass of water and two soda crackers yesterday.  It's not my fault I have a fast metabolism!"  

"Buffy."  Oh no, Spike was getting argumentative again.  Best let him think he was winning.

"Fine, Spike, I'll eat something.  We can go to the mall, enjoy the greasy pleasures of the food court."  Spike smirked, as everything the two now said to each other sounded like sexual innuendo.  Buffy rolled her eyes.  "I so did not mean that in a sexual way.  And while we're there, maybe we can get you some balls."

"Hey, no fair."

"Well, it's your item, isn't it?  And once we find them, maybe I'll play with them."  It was Buffy's turn to smirk at the vampire's sex glazed look.  It was all too easy keeping him on that leash.  

***********************************************************************************************

"Oh my god!  That is the most hideous thing I've ever seen!  What exactly is this demon making you do?"

"What?"  Willow looked up at Angel, confused.  She followed his gaze to Tara's burlap and corset ensemble.  "Oh.  Don't worry, that's just the way Tara dresses.  It's eclectic, no?"

Angel shrugged his hulking broody shoulders, and went back to fixing his hair.  Lesbians really weren't his forte.  But then again, with the whole "no sex or lose your soul" mumbo-jumbo, women weren't really his thing at all anymore.  Where had he put that extra large tub of gel?

"Tara, baby, sweetie, who was on the phone?"

"A-a-a-anya.  S-s-sh-she f-f-found h-h-her h-h-hair c-c-color.  T-t-they're h-h-heading f-f-or t-th-the M-m-magic B-b-box.  A-a-a-anya t-t-thinks m-m-maybe S-s-spike n-n-needs c-cr-crystal b-b-balls."

Willow's eyes went wide at the mention of magic crystal balls.  And not just because she was gay.  Running into the kitchen, she ripped the 5-gallon bottle off the water cooler, chugging back its contents like a pro at a frat party.

"Spike with crystal balls?"  Dawn harrumphed mightily.  "I think Buffy woulda broken 'em by now."  As Willow was drowning her power issues in overpriced tap water that college age girls without any visible means of support really shouldn't be able to afford, Dawn sneakily tucked one of Willow's weapons grade supercomputer laptops down the front of her pants.

"Dawn, are you insinuating that Buffy would have something to do with Spike's balls?"  For some reason Angel continued to fix his hair in front of the hall mirror, despite the fact he had no reflection.  Habit, I guess.

"Well, duh, the two have been going at it like bunnies for months now."

Angel stared blankly at Dawn, and chose to ignore her comments, which was the natural reaction.  Instead, he fell to the floor in a quivering pile of souled vampire goo and began to cry, howling, "My son!  They took my son! Connor!  Connor!"

Tara's desperate need to be helpful had her running to Angel's side, right after she made sure Willow hadn't drowned herself.  "It's o-okay A-angel, w-wh-whatever it is, w-we'll s-solve it.  It's w-what w-we d-do.  R-remember the s-song."  Tara began to sing for the confused vampire. "_The moon to the tide/ I can feel you inside/ I'm under your spell/ Surging like the sea/ Wanting you so helplessly/ I break with every swell/ Lost in ecstasy/ Spread beneath my willow tree/ You make me complete_."  Tara began to sway to the music, unaware that Angel thought she was coming on to him.

"Tara, I'm flattered, really, but I'm pretty sure sex with a lesbian won't bring my son back."

Tara blushed, realising her mistake.  "S-sorry, w-wrong song.  It was this one, right? _What can't we face if we're together?/  What's in this place that we can't weather?/  Apocalypse, we've all been there/  The  same old trip..._"

"Uh, Tara?  Different network, remember?  I wasn't in on that one."

"Oh, r-right.  W-well, w-w-where ever your s-son is, I'm s-sure he's f-fine."

***********************************************************************************************

"Please, you have to help me."

"Sure enough, scary creepy deep voiced guy."  Xander and Anya had been happily strolling down the street towards the Magic Box, hand in hand, as Anya playfully tossed her natural hair, when a stranger accosted them with a baby.  "It's what we do."

"I thought I could do this.  But I can't.  Just look at him."  Creepy guy pointed to the smiling bundle.

"Ah, single father."  Anya surmised.  "Don't worry, sir, I'm sure you'll do a fine job raising your son alone, and that he won't resent you and try to kill you in your sleep in some horrible fashion when he's a teenager."

"No, you don't understand..."  

Xander put on his goofy funny man face, and leaned in to tickle the little bundle of miracle goodness.  "Aw, look at the itty-bitty widdle man.  Who's your Uncle Xander-wander?  Hey, wait, is that a fang? Ouch, ouchy, ouch!"

The baby grinned evilly at Uncle Xander-wander.  "He bit me!"

"Yes, he does that a lot," replied creepy guy, holding up his bandaged hands.  "It's impossible to do anything with him.  And just look at his hair.  What am I supposed to do with that?"

"Come on Xander, let's get you to the Magic Box and fix you up.  I don't want you using a cut a finger as an excuse not to pleasure me with your hands later on tonight."

"That baby bit me!  And is it just me, but isn't he a little young to look so broody?"

"No, wait," creepy guy called after them, to no avail.  He stared down at the baby.  "Now what am I going to do?"

***********************************************************************************************

"Oh Spike, wouldn't that dress look great on me at the Emmy's?"  Buffy had strategically avoided the food court and was wistfully eying a dress in a shop window, oblivious to the fact Sunnydale was the only place on earth where malls conveniently were open all night so that vampires could shop with their girlfriends.  Which didn't really matter anyways, because Buffy was so not Spike's girlfriend.  Just keep telling yourself that, slim.

"It's right pretty pet, but I'm sure Jennifer Garner wore one exactly like it on _Alias_ last week, so you might -"

The blow came out of nowhere, fast and swift, hitting Spike squarely in the jaw and sending him back against the shop window.  "Hey, what was that for?"

"How many time do I have to tell you, don't mention her name!  How could you watch her show?"

"Luv, I was only flipping channels, really."  Buffy was crying with all the realism the Actor's Studio could muster.  Her eyes were as huge as saucers, and her pouty lips quivered.

"Tell me I'm good."

"Sweetheart, you're the best.  Screw the people at the Golden Globes.  No one kicks ass like you.  You're amazing."

"Oh, Spike!"  Buffy flung herself at her demon lover, propelling them back into the nearest store, where they proceeded to rut with wild abandon.  The people of Sunnydale ignored them.

***********************************************************************************************

"I have various crystal balls, eyeballs, hairballs, phlegm balls, balls of magic twine, and look, your bowling ball."  Anya proudly surveyed the stock of the Magic Box.  "But no vampire balls.  Maybe he needs some sort of sporting equipment?"

"Well, if you ask me, Spike must already spend enough time around medicine balls and exercise balls.  Seriously, have you seen his abs?  Deadboy Jr. has all these tight ropey muscles that you can probably bounce quarters off of."  Xander looked down at his own puffy paunch and sighed.  If only he was 30 and not 21, people wouldn't think he had let himself go so quickly after high school.

"We can go to the Sunnydale All-Night Mall!"  Anya suggested cheerfully.  "We could find some balls for Spike, and some work out gear for you!"

"Yeah, alright.  But we're stopping at the Dairy Queen on the way."  Xander took his formerly demon but now totally human and therefore not responsible for 1000 years of torture fiancée's hand.  "An, why are you wearing that?"  They both stared at her tight white blouse paired with a short red, gray, and yellow plaid kilt.  "It must be part of the Evil Fashion Nazi's plan!"

"What plan?  I've owned this for years."

"But, but, the kilt!  The white knee socks.  The cute little animal backpack!"  Realization struck Xander.  "You look exactly like Cordelia, circa season 2….uh, 1998."  

Anya fumed at the mention of her podgy paramour's former flame.  "That's it buster!  No Dairy Queen for you!"

***********************************************************************************************

"Happy now, luv?"

"Oooohhh, yes"  Buffy moaned.  After their sexfest at Radio Shack, and the Limited, and House of Knives, Buffy had decided she needed to do a little post coital shopping, and had dragged Spike through every trendy store in the mall, paying no heed to her current state of debt or to the threat of a dangerous scavenger hunt demon that had demanded she search for Spike's balls.  Which were currently a nice shade of blue, as the past 45 minutes was the longest they had gone without sex for the past six months.

"Luv, what's say we nip into one of the changing rooms and give it another go?"  He waggled his brows in what was supposedly a suggestive manner.

"'Kay."  Buffy really hadn't taken the whole slayer thing too seriously recently.  A little too much layer in the slayer, if you ask me.

Spike vampire-handled Buffy into the nearest store, and got ready to press her flesh up against the nearest surface, when he was distracted by the large TV screens that covered one wall of the store.  "Spike, come on.  Sex now!"

"Cor, luv, would you look at that!  Arsenal won the FA Cup!  Bloody hell!  If they beat Man U on Wednesday they'll have the Double!  Bleedin' bollocksy Gunners.  Not gonna happen as long as I'm soddin' alive."  

"Spike, A) you're not alive and B) what the hell are you talking about?"

"Football, pet, the one true love of my life.  Didn't we already have this conversation?  Man U are the bleedin' best sports team in the world! And to think I almost missed this.  Too busy shaggin' you to notice footy results, I guess."  Spike looked around the store.  "Brilliant!"  He picked up a Man U jersey and some Kappa training pants.  "Time I got back on the bandwagon.  Boys need to know the fans love them."

Buffy stood stunned as Spike changed into his new gear in the middle of the store.  Of course, this being Sunnydale, no one seemed to mind the naked vampire.  Naked vampire good.  Vampire in fan gear bad.

"Spike, you look ridiculous.  Put your black stuff back on, then take it off so we can have sex."

"Why are you so unsupportive?  This is important to me."  Spike whined in a very grating and familiar manner that really pissed Buffy off.  Wait a minute, it was because he had learned how to do it from her.  No fair stealing her bit!

"Spike, stop talking about things that don't interest or involve me in any way.  This is my show.  You're my vampire sex toy.  Do as I say."

"You're a cold little emaciated thing, aren't you?  No wonder I don't have any balls – you froze them off!"

"You, you, chippy head!"  Buffy didn't know what to do.  Spike was talking back to her instead of sexing her up.  

"That's all you do, insult me, screw me.  Yell, shag.  I'm tired of it, slayer.  I have feelings too.  Vampire feelings, that are just as valid and worthy of comment as your weepy slayer feelings.  And you're going to acknowledge them!"

"Am not."  Buffy stuck her tongue out at Spike, hoping it would distract him.

"Are too."

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

"Am not, am not, AM NOT!"

"Fine then.  I'm just gonna sit here and watch the football.  No sex for you."

"Am – wha?"  Spike was denying her sex?  "Like you could hold out!"

Spike didn't take his eyes off the TV's.  "Been around a lot longer than you, slayer.  Gone years without it.  I can wait."

"But Spikey – " Buffy straddled his lap.  He immediately pushed her off.  

"No way.  I'm cutting you off."  Buffy felt the air visibly shift around her.  This wasn't happening.  Spike, somehow, had his balls back, and was denying her sex.  Oh no!  Stupid damn football had given Spike his balls back.  She couldn't allow that to happen.

"You're talking crazy you silly vampire!  Now get up and get in me!"  Buffy gave a swift kick to between Spike's legs, knocking two globes free. "Ah ha!" The sprightly sprite-like girl jumped to the ground and reached for them, but Spike was too quick, what with his amazing vampire speed and all that.

"Sorry, Goldilocks, those are mine! Cor blimey bloody sodding Bob's yer uncle!"

"Huh?"

"British expressions."

"Fine, whatever.  But where were they?  They're supposed to belong to me!"

"I was hiding them."

"Why?"

"You're one scary bitch when you're horny, luv.  Tired of having the merchandise bruised."  Spike said as he opened the waistband on his sporty Kappa training pants and plopped his bits back in, settling in to watch the match.  Buffy couldn't believe how easy it was for Spike to ignore the seething sexual tension between them.  She had to do something, fast.

"Spike?  Spike.  Spike!"  Buffy pranced in front of the TVs.  Spike shifted to look around her, but made no response.  Buffy shimmied.  She sashayed.  She did a few of those yoga stretches that usually really impressed Spike.  All to no avail.  The undeniable allure of English Premier League Football had reminded Spike that he had other interests besides wild, mind-blowing sex.  And Buffy had to concede defeat.  She no longer had Spike's balls in a sling.

"Luv?"

Or maybe not.  Buffy slithered up to her supposedly insatiable lover.  "What honey?"  Sweet talk.  Sweet talk was the key to keeping Spike at her beck and call.

"Be a dear and go get me a pint of Guinness.  And a pack of crisps.  Once the game's over we'll search for something else. That's my girl."  Spike gave Buffy a pat on her ass, and slowly began to regain his manhood.  Or vampirehood.  Whatever.

"Well, uh, okay."  As mad as she was to have lost control of her sex toy, Buffy had to admit that at least it meant they were one step closer to defeating the new evil that was plaguing Sunnydale.  And of course, she could always get Spike's balls back later.  In many enjoyable ways.

Leaving Spike to his manly pursuits, Buffy headed back out into the mall, ready to look for more items.  And ran smack dab into Dawn.

***********************************************************************************************

Up next:  Chapter Four – "Return of the Big Mac: Buffy Discovers Food" by nongenius!

***********************************************************************************************


	4. Return of the Big Mac: Buffy Discovers F...

Repeatedly, In Many Different Positions  
  
Chapter Four: Return of the Big Mac: Buffy Discovers Food  
  
by nongenius  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own these characters. Joss does. I just like to have fun with them. Bedazzler fun is little_bit's invention and many of the jokes contained herein were suggested by the good people at TWoP.  
  
Big thanks to the Magnificent Eight, especially FaithAnne, hold_that_thought, and little_bit for setting up such an excellent story. And to litte_bit and hold_that_thought for being such thoughtful betas.  
  
Now, on with the show.  
  
******************************  
  
"Dawn! What are you doing here?"  
  
Dawn turned to her side to hide the ten sweaters, full tea service with matching service tray, and puppy dog she had crammed down her pants and smiled at Buffy.  
  
"Oh, I'm just looking around. What's up?"  
  
Buffy sighed. "Spike found his balls and now he won't have se..uh won't help me scratch my itches. He's just sitting there watching stupid football or soccer whatever the hell it's called in the most horrible clothes this side of Tara's closet."  
  
"Buffy, I know you have sex with Spike. You don't have to hide it from me."  
  
But Buffy had already stopped listening to Dawn and was practicing her depressed tear streaked face that she knew would one day get her an Emmy, and not just a Daytime Emmy because really, anyone with a decent pouty face and good tear ducts could get one of those.  
  
Dawn shrieked to try and get Buffy's attention, and when she failed she just shrugged and walked over to the sports store.  
  
"Spike, what are you wearing? You look like a Nike reject."  
  
"Hey! Listen nibblet, if I want to wear Man U's stuff, I have every right to, you got that little bit? Just because you're Buffy Jr. doesn't mean you have to act like it. Besides, tater tot, I'm not doing anything evil anymore, I might as well wear something more comfortable than tight jeans. Bloody hell, kibbles and bits, I just got my balls back! Little Spikey needs a bit more room right now, you know what I mean small wonder? Now move out of the way tiny tyke, you're blocking the view."  
  
"Whatever," Dawn said as she walked between Spike and the television.  
  
After Dawn had passed, Spike realized the telly was gone and Dawn looked like she had put on some weight. He shrugged and walked over to where Buffy was practicing her guilt-ridden face in the lap of some stranger who was seriously wigged by her performance.  
  
"Uh, Slayer, don't we have a job to do?"  
  
Buffy jumped up, magically transforming her face from tear streaked to happy and joyful, a move she was certain would grab attention.  
  
"Right, Spike, but I'm not going anywhere with you in that."  
  
"Fine."  
  
Spike disappeared for a moment and came back in a powder blue tuxedo straight out of 1973, with an overly ruffled shirt and pants that were about half a foot too short for him.  
  
Buffy didn't even notice as his clothes were off in a minute and she was only concerned with jumping his sexy British bones.  
  
Just then Anya and Xander walked passed.  
  
"Uh, Buffy?" Xander said hesitantly.  
  
"CPR," Buffy said as she pressed against Spike's chest for leverage and leaned in for a kiss.  
  
"Oh, of course," Xander said, extending his stay in Cairo by conveniently forgetting that vampires don't actually breathe and therefore would never need CPR.  
  
"Anya, your hair looks great! I always thought it looked best at the end of seas… uh 1999," Buffy said as she and Spike got dressed.  
  
"Wow, Spike's bulge looks so much bigger now, not that it wasn't exceptionally large before," Xander casually observed.  
  
"I found my balls," Spike beamed gesturing lewdly at his newfound manhood.  
  
"That's great!" said Anya, observing Spike's new possession. She suddenly turned to Xander. "Xander, are you sure we aren't supposed to be finding you balls? Because I think you could use some."  
  
"Hey!" Xander said. "I have balls and a tool and other very manly and masculine parts because I'm a man and that's what men have."  
  
"Whatever you say, honey."  
  
Xander began chanting to himself "nothing defeats the penis, nothing defeats the penis". Everyone ignored him.  
  
"So what's next, luv?" Spike asked turning to Buffy. "After all this is your show and you are the boss and I'm too lazy and too evil to come up with any namby-pamby helpful Scoobie save the world plans."  
  
"I guess we should find my appetite."  
  
******************************  
  
As Dawn walked home, she passed an old man. He was sucking on his fingers and crying out, "Why oh why did I take this terrible thing?"  
  
As Dawn passed, she swiped the baby, dropped him in her pants next to the puppy and went on her way.  
  
******************************  
  
Angel was pacing back and forth trying to get his hand out of his hair. He made a mental note to use less gel. Scratch that. Don't run fingers through hair. He could never sacrifice the hair. "I need to find my baby."  
  
"Well, we'd tell the others your baby is missing but we can't do that since we don't have any useful technology like cell phones or beepers, even though you have them on your sho.. I mean, Angel investigations uses them, and we used to have them on our sh.. I mean, a few years ago Buffy had a beeper. But since we're low on contin… money, we don't have cell phones or beepers or cars or washers and dryers, which is why we always have to buy new clothes, even though we've seen the washers and dryers, they just haven't been used since Joyce died and I learned how to do magic and oh god!" Willow rushed into the kitchen and grabbed another five-gallon bottle, which she chugged in a few seconds while bedazzling all the oven mitts.  
  
"Baby, are you alright? Sweetie, that was a close one," Tara oozed as she went to comfort Willow. "Would a little bit of gay lesbian love cheer you up, honey?"  
  
"Oh yes!" Willow said as she pointed to the temporary GAY NOW tattoo on her forehead.  
  
"Um, I think I'm going to go look for my son on my own," Angel said, obviously uncomfortable with the change in Willow's character.  
  
******************************  
  
Anya, Xander, Spike and Buffy were walking through the graveyard, trying to puzzle out the mystery behind Buffy's lost appetite.  
  
"How long has it been gone?" Xander asked because, like with everything else, he hadn't even noticed it.  
  
"I don't even know," said Buffy.  
  
"Well maybe Oz took it," Anya chirped.  
  
Everyone stopped and stared at her. "Who?"  
  
"You know, Oz, the guy Willow used to love and who was a werewolf and a recurring charact.. I mean, in our lives for two seas… I mean two years."  
  
The soft chirp of crickets was strangely soothing to everyone.  
  
"Maybe Riley took it, bloody ponce," Spike opined.  
  
"Oh no, Riley's too perfect to do a thing like that. He never had any issues with my strength or abilities. Anything he did wrong I drove him to! I deserve to be punished for his betrayal of me! It's all my fault that he went to get suckjobs from vampires and gave me an ultimatum in the middle of an argument! I was the one who didn't respect his masculinity enough to punch him nice and hard when he asked me too! I should be spanked for what I did," Buffy cried, using her powerful Emmy award- winning tears.  
  
"Gladly," Spike said with a waggle of the eyebrows.  
  
Xander, blissfully unaware of the sexual nature of Spike and Buffy's sadomasochistic game and of the fact that Spike should have been shouting with pain each time he spanked Buffy, simply used this opportunity to shag Anya like non-rabbit animals.  
  
"Maybe that British guy took it," Xander offered after all sexual activity was done for the moment.  
  
"Spike? Spike did you take my appetite?" Buffy demanded.  
  
"No, not Spike, older British guy," Xander expanded (both literally and figuratively because Xander was constantly expanding).  
  
"Ethan Rayne? What would he want with my appetite?" Buffy asked, bewildered.  
  
"No, no. Tweedy older British Council guy," Xander said, trying to remember the name he was looking for.  
  
"Quentin Travers is SO gonna pay if I find out he took my appetite," Buffy threatened, as Buffy does whenever she's trying to say anything.  
  
"No, not him. Older, Council guy, British, wears tweed, wears glasses, bout yay high, name starts with a G or a J," Xander said, thinking hard which was obviously painful for him.  
  
"Gilly?" Buffy guessed.  
  
"Jolly?" Spike took a stab.  
  
"Gills?" Anya tossed out.  
  
"Jello?" Xander offered, of course.  
  
"Giles!" Buffy said excited that she had shown some sign of continui.. memory.  
  
"Yeah, Giles! Maybe he took it," Xander said hopefully.  
  
At that moment, a vampire attacked.  
  
******************************  
  
Angel was wandering the streets when he passed an old man doing a little happy dance.  
  
"Holtz!" Angel said and rushed at him, but, being unable to use his hands effectively with one of them still stuck in his hair gel, he just rubbed his spiked tresses against the old man's face.  
  
"I don't have your crazy biting baby! Some teenage girl took it," Holtz said.  
  
"Which way did he go George, which way did he go?" Angel said, doing his best goofy impression.  
  
Holtz blinked in obvious confusion, as Angel had disappeared and some dorky goofball had reappeared in front of him. "How'd you do that?"  
  
Angel got menacing again and demanded to know where his baby went.  
  
Holtz was relieved that the broody vampire was back, because the goofball was scaring him six ways to Sunday. He pointed in the direction Dawn had gone.  
  
******************************  
  
After the quick cuts between close-ups, obvious use of stunt men, and bad editin…I mean, the vamp fight, Buffy sighed.  
  
"I used to get tummy rumblings whenever I slayed," Buffy recalled fondly. "It also made me really horny.  
  
"I know the feeling Buff. Right now I could eat Denny's out of business and I'm dying for a quick lay," Xander said as he rushed off with Anya to have crazy monkey sex.  
  
As Buffy climbed on top of Spike's little Spike, Spike put two and two together.  
  
"Buffy, isn't it obvious? Who started getting big while you started getting smaller?"  
  
"Oh my god!" Buffy squealed, "Dawn took my appetite! She looked really hefty when I saw her at the mall and even you said she looked like she gained weight! And that would explain why the little bitch is taller than me!"  
  
"Buffy, you ninny. Who's getting horny and hungry after you slay that's not you?"  
  
Buffy was unable to use logic because that would be a useful thing for a Slayer to be able to do and therefore was not in Buffy's job description. "Huh?" was all she could say.  
  
"It's Xander! The whelp's been puffing up ever since seas.. last year, which was when you started shrinking. He's growing even as we speak."  
  
"Xander!" Buffy called, jumping off of Spike and rushing over to the other set of rustling bushes.  
  
Xander jumped up. "What?"  
  
"You took my appetite! Give it back!" Buffy whined like a true pro.  
  
"I didn't!"  
  
"You did too you puffy poofter" said Spike.  
  
"At least I'm not wearing capris." Xander snarked back.  
  
"I'll have you know that these are not capris, they're just short pants. Capris have a completely different cut you sodding git. And even so, there's nothing wrong with capris. They can really bring out the bulge if you wear them right," Spike leered.  
  
"Enough with this fashion talk! We're in the Evil Fashion Nazi's graveyard. The last thing she needs is ideas. Xander, tell me how you stole my appetite" Buffy yelled.  
  
"I didn…Oh, wait! I tried to do a spell a while back to make a Big Mac appear in front of me and I suddenly got really hungry!  
  
"That must be what happened. Instead of getting food, he took Buffy's entire appetite, because he's incompetent, like a fish riding a bicycle. Obviously Xander shouldn't be allowed to use magic. We need witches for this," Anya said, leading the way back to the house.  
  
******************************  
  
Angel quickly caught up with Dawn, who was no longer carrying any of her previous baggage and was instead carrying a wad of rolled up cash. She was on her way to pay off the Evil Hair Nazi so she wouldn't do anything to the shiny monk hair she had been given.  
  
Angel grabbed her and spun her around. "Where's my son?"  
  
"Get out, get out, GET OUT! That's what I told him when he wouldn't get out of my pants. I sold him for hair bribery money."  
  
"Dawn, you know this is Angel right? Not Angelus." Angel pulled out the pillow he'd kept with him ever since he lost Connor, just in case he ever needed it and proceeded to smother Dawn. "YOU SOLD MY SON! YOU STUPID BALL OF ENERGY! YOU SOLD MY SON!" After a few seconds, he removed his pillow, wiped the spit off his mouth and walked off.  
  
Dawn lay in a huddled pile on the ground, shaking and quivering like Willow had taught her.  
  
******************************  
  
Spike, Xander, Anya and Buffy rushed up to the house and started banging on the door because no one thought to use a key or even try the doorknob. That would make too much sense.  
  
Tara and Willow rushed to answer the door.  
  
"Xander has my appetite! He did magic to try and get food and stole my appetite instead. And now we need someone to do magic to reverse the spell!"  
  
Willow couldn't take all the mentions of magic. She ran outside and started guzzling from the lawn hose, while breathing heavily through her mouth and bedazzling "Make Gay Love, not Magic" on to her pants.  
  
My baby sweetie pie can't handle all the magic. But it's okay because I can do it so my dear honey bun doesn't have to," Tara said in her Mother Earthly way.  
  
Tara pulled out a book, conveniently titled Appetite Spells and flipped to the right page immediately. She said a few words and suddenly Xander was transformed into sexy Speedo worthy Xander and all his weight was transferred onto Buffy.  
  
"HEY! What's this? I can't fit into my Emmy dress looking like this!" Buffy complained.  
  
"Sorry, sweetie." Tara did a little more hocus pocus and the weight transferred back to Xander.  
  
"Suddenly I'm hungry! Yay! I have my appetite back!" Buffy celebrated by eating one of the Doublemeat Burgers that she had been stockpiling for any occasion where Xander was likely to be in the house.  
  
"Xander, let's go now. We need to find that gym membership so I can have that sexy looking Xander you were just a minute ago. I want to have sex with that!" Anya cried as she pulled Xander out the door.  
  
****************************** 


	5. What A Feeling!

**Repeatedly. In Many Different Positions.**  
_Chapter Five: What a Feeling!_  
By ozfan (ozfankg@hotmail.com)

**Dedications**: To my fellow beloved M-8ers, and especially to **hold_that_thought for the fantastic help and story recommendations. And now, on with the story. Xander has to fulfill his part of the scavenger hunt.**

"Gym membership, shmim membership, I have a coupon for a free bag of Cheetos!"

"Xander!" Anya warned sharply, taking the coupon from him and ripping it into shreds, flinging them on the sidewalk as they walked home.

"You litterbug ex-demon, you!" Xander groused, trying to pout.

"Please don't do that, Xander, with your lower lip. Spike can pull it off, not you."

Xander had to agree. He stopped trying to pout sexily and looked down. "Ooh! Half-eaten candy bar! My lucky day!" Xander said, peering down into a gutter and seeing a Hershey bar.

"Xander!" Anya shouted. "Come on. You can do this. Chin up. Or, uh, chin's up, I guess. Let's get home and find your gym membership. We will walk all the way home even though you have a car. It'll help burn off calories."

"Fine," Xander sighed, searching in his pocket for any leftover crumbs or tic tacs. They stepped over Dawn, who was still laying in the road, quivering and shaking after Angel's near-fatal pillow attack.

When Xander and Anya got home, Anya started cleaning out the fridge and cupboards, getting rid of the case of Little Debbie snack cakes and industrial-sized bag of potato chips. Xander halfheartedly looked on the bookshelves and coffee table for his gym membership.

Just then, with a swirl of rather lame special effects, Sweet the Dancing Demon appeared. "Looking for something?" he grinned mischievously, holding a familiar-looking piece of paper.

"That's my gym membership from last year! Give it!" Xander tried to snatch it away but Sweet tapped quickly out of the way.

"Not so fast, chubby. Did you think you'd get away with summoning me and causing the deaths of innocent people. Did you really think that you'd never have to atone?"

Xander shrugged. "Well, uh, yeah. That happens all the time around here."

"My beady-eyed fiancé is right," Anya interjected. "I don't give two craps about the pain I wreaked as a vengeance demon, but I'm a regular Scooby anyway!"

"Well, my friends, times have changed. You're going to have to dance for the devil to get your gym membership back. You'll know when the time comes what you have to do." Sweet tap danced some more and then disappeared into thin air.

Xander started pacing nervously. "An, this is terrible. What is he going to make me do? What does he mean by "dance for the devil"? Is that a literal or figurative kind of dance? And can I have a cookie?"

"NO! You are starting your work-out regimen TOMORROW. Maybe Spike will help you. As you pointed out once, he is quite lean and compact and well-muscled. "

The next day Xander took the day off of work. After an extremely unsatisfying breakfast of ½ a grapefruit and coffee, Xander strolled to Spike's crypt. He entered without knocking, as everyone was wont to do as far as Spike's home was concerned. The crypt was empty and silent. Xander looked around for exercise videos. 

"Hmm… let's see here…" Xander perused the collection of videotapes by Spike's TV.

"Me and Buffy Shagging Episode 1… Sweet Sweet Spuffy Love… Buffy Does Spike… Buffy and Spike's Home Sex Video, Vol. 4…. Huh." Xander scratched his head, perplexed. "I wonder what those mysterious tapes could be. Oooh! The Six-Minute Abs video. And Buns of Steel! Sweet." Xander took them and let himself out. He'd get himself ready for Sweet's test at home.

All day long Xander followed the exercise videos, or tried to. He really hated working out at home. It was boring and there were no hot chicks to look at, especially since Anya was at the Magic Shop.

Xander decided to jog to Buffy's house and see what was going on. He figured maybe Buffy still had her stash of Doublemeat burgers in the freezer and he could sneak one. He jogged down the steps of his apartment building and halfway down the sidewalk before he got a cramp and had to walk.

"Psst," came a voice from behind a tree. Xander peered.

"Angel?"

Angel stood in the filtered shade of an oak tree with a parasol to shade him from the sun's deathly rays.

"Xander. Hi."

"Uh, hi. Look, I'd love to stand around and catch up, but I have to get in shape to pass some test to get my gym membership back."

Angel nodded broodily. "I can see that you could use it."

"Look who's talking, tubs! You haven't had a shirtless scene for years now. You probably have bigger boobs than Cordelia."

"Listen to me!" Angel interrupted impatiently. "We need to find my son! That whiny little sister of Buffy's _sold him." Angel furrowed his big brow slightly and tried to look concerned, but, as usual, he just appeared bored and Xander couldn't muster up much sympathy. _

"Sorry, can't help ya. My life, and my sex life, is on the line here. Toodles!" Xander jogged off, only to stop 10 feet down the road due to another cramp.

When Xander finally got to Buffy's house, he was drenched in sweat. He entered the kitchen, opened the fridge, and grabbed the first bottle of water that he saw.

Suddenly it was flung out of his hand. Willow stood across from him in the kitchen, looking deeply pissed and breathing heavily through her mouth.

"Get away from my water, Xander." Willow said in a low, threatening voice. She had used evil magicks (plural, of course) to knock the water out of Xander's hand!

"But Will, I'm dying here. I think I have heat stoke. I need water."

She glared angrily. "You don't get to TOUCH my expensive water." The kitchen started to shake and tremble around them. "I swear, if you touch my water I will _destroy you."_

"Will…" Xander said quietly, holding his hands out, standing between Willow and the fridge. "You don't want to do this. Remember, in first grade, when your Capri sun burst all over the place because you put the straw in it wrong? And you cried? And I shared my Capri sun with you?"

"Shut up!" Evil Willow shouted, tears springing to her eyes. Xander took a step closer.

"You see, I helped your thirst then. And I'll help you now. I love Capri sun-breaking Willow and I love open-mouth breathing, addicted, gay-now Willow. No matter what, I'll still love you."

"Aaaggh!" Willow broke down, sobbing. Xander hugged her tightly and let her sob, smoothing her hair back from her face.

Finally, when she was calm, Xander smiled gently. "Now, can I please have a bottle of your water?"

"Fuck no. Use tap water. That Evian shit is expensive."

Later that evening, the whole gang gathered at the Bronze. Except for Dawn, who was still lying in the road pissed that nobody had come to rescue her yet. It didn't occur to her to actually get up herself and use common sense. Xander and Anya told everyone about the demon Sweet's recent visit.

"So, now we know where the missing gym membership is. The question is… how do we get it back?" Tara said while Willow bedazzled some table napkins. 

"Sweet said I'd know what to do when the time came… I tried to work out all day in preparation for the test. Jesus, I'm starving. Anyone want to split some hot wings?" Xander asked eagerly.

"I'm in," Spike said.

"No more fatty foods, Xander!" Anya said.

"Oh, come on!" Xander pleaded.

Just then Sweet appeared. "No, _you come on, Mr. Harris. Your time has come."_

"What with the huh?" Xander said. Everyone just stared at Sweet in shock.

"You must get up on stage and dance for all of us. If the crowd likes you, you will get your gym membership back. If the crowd boos you off the stage, you will have to become my butt monkey."

"Tee hee hee," Spike snickered. Buffy kicked Spike under the table to shut him up. The searing physical contact of her boot connecting to his shin aroused them both, and they snuck under the table for a little mid-drama groping.

Everyone else at the table waited expectantly. The tension was so thick you could cut it with Spike's cheekbones. Finally, Xander bravely stood up with his resolve face on.

"Good luck, honey," Anya said, patting him on the back awkwardly. "Don't burst into flame."

Tara and Willow hugged him. Xander got kind of aroused by the two-cute-lesbians-hugging-him thing, then he concentrated on the task at hand. He walked onto the stage, where a bright white spotlight shown down. The Bronze was silent, except for the occasional vampiric sexy purr coming from underneath the table where Buffy and Spike were hiding.

Sweet grinned evilly and snapped his fingers. Suddenly, the swelling sounds of the Irene Cara hit "What a Feeling" began to play.

_First, when there's nothing but a slow glowing dream  
That your fear seems to hide deep inside your mind_

"Oh, you have got to be KIDDING me," Xander moaned. 

Sweet laughed and shot out a ray of light, burning the ground right by Xander's feet.

"Dance, boy. Make Jennifer Beals proud."

Xander tried his best with what little memory he had of the Flashdance finale. He tried to breakdance, he tried some ballet moves. He even did the whole swirling the head around thing. Nothing worked. The crowd began to boo. Xander danced harder, faster. The ground beneath him began to smoke. Sweet rubbed his chin in anticipation.

"Please!" Xander cried. "I hate this song! I can't dance to this! Let me choose my own song!" 

"That's not how it works!" Sweet sneered, shooting another ray of light at Xander. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a powerful crash of energy stopped the light from hitting Xander.

"I'd like to test that theory," came a familiar voice and welcome voice.

Xander peered at the stranger. "Who are you?"

Finally it dawned on Anya. "Giles!" she cried happily. Willow and Tara frowned, then slowly started to remember, as if from a dream, that yes, there had once been an integral part of the team who was deeply missed and yet was practically never, ever, EVER freaking mentioned by anyone.

"Xander should get to dance to whatever he wants to dance to," Giles said calmly, his eyes locked in challenge with Sweet. Suddenly his hand pointed toward the DJ booth and he said something in Latin that sounded like "Charles Schultz." In an instant, the Charlie Brown theme song came on. 

The change of music seemed to light a passionate fire under Xander. Inspired, Xander started to do the Snoopy dance, jumping up and down, head thrown back. The crowd was awed. Apparently Willow was not the only one impressed and moved by the Xander Snoopy dance. When he was finished, the Bronze was filled with the sound of thunderous applause. Xander stood on stage, sweaty and happy.

"Damn you, you ex-librarian, ex-Watcher, ex-cast member, you!" Sweet screamed in agony. "Nooooo!!!!!" The dancing demon went up in a puff of smoke. A piece of paper fluttered to the ground where he once stood. It was Xander's missing gym membership.

Xander hopped off the stage and Anya ran into his arms. "You did it! You did it!" She handed him a dozen red roses just like the guy did at the end of Flashdance.

_What a feeling, bein's believin'  
I can't have it all, now I'm dancin' for my life  
Take your passion, and make it happen  
Pictures come alive, you can dance right through your life!!!_

Buffy finally extricated herself from under the table when she heard Giles' voice. She hugged him fiercely. Spike followed a few steps behind.

"It's good to see you again," Giles said happily. "Where's your sister?"

"Who?" Buffy said.

To be continued by the marvelicious **Poly**…


	6. Straight Up Now?

'Straight up now?' by Poly  
  
Almost all these characters belong to ME, FOX, UPN, and other people.  
  
Thanks to hold_that_thought for being such kind and intelligent support and beta-ing. (warning, she didn't beta this part)  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
"Dawn, your sister," Giles continued, very close to taking off his glasses and cleaning them.  
  
"I don't have a sister, Giles, that's just sil- Oh damn! Dawn! We've got to go find her!"  
  
"But what about the other items on the list?" Tara asked, "We can't all just go after Dawn and forget about them."  
  
"Huh? Perhaps you forgot, but I'm Buffy. Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I'm the only important one. And since Dawn is also made out of me she is also the only important one.wait, what did I just say?" Buffy trailed off, pacing around the Bronze as she gathered her thoughts. "Anyway, we need to all find Dawn and forget about every other plot- I mean, issue in our lives and find Dawn. Dawn is family, and we all have to stick together for-"  
  
"Buffy, look out!" Xander shouted, tossing his tubby self onto his Slayer pal and knocking her out of the way of an incoming anvil.  
  
"You interrupted me."  
  
"I saved your life."  
  
"Did I ever thank you, for saving my life?" the pretty, pixieish predator inquired as she pushed Xander off of her and stood up.  
  
"No. And yes, I wish you would. Now, we have to-" Xander stopped to pull a piece of paper stuck to the bottom of his shoe and then jumped for joy, causing Anya some worry.  
  
"What is it, the inside of a Hershey Bar wrapper?"  
  
"No, its my gym membership! I stepped on gum during my dance, and this must have gotten caught, too. Whoopee!" he leapt around, "Whoopee, whoopee, whoo- oww, oww. Groin.oww," Xander grunted as he eased himself into a chair. "I guess you guys have to find the next item while I rest here, with Anya."  
  
"Why do I have to stay?"  
  
"Because you're my fiancée.and I need someone to fetch me snacks. But you still have Spike," noting the empty chair, he corrected himself, "or did. Where did he go?"  
  
"Something about night games and football and he's gonna be an undead Pele or something," Anya elucidated, "I would have caught more, but a waiter walked by with a check in his hand and my mind trailed off into money and cash, and moolah, and dough and bling-blingin and.Oh, yeah, right, quest and stuff. Well, we don't really need Spike. All we need is Buffy, and we have her-"  
  
"No we don't," Giles explained, "she just ran out the back door, with something shiny under her arm. I'd say its hair but she's apparently clean as a whistle." "Ewww" Tara and Anya winced, crossing their legs uncomfortably.  
  
"Oh My Lesbianic Goddess! That bitch took my bedazzler!" Willow's eyes glowed a fiery red as she stormed toward the door, stopping only to grab her inflatable kiddie-pool as storage for later water consumption. "Bitch is gonna pay." Tara looked apologetically at the three remaining members of the group, then ran off to try and stop her girlfriend from hurting the ones she loved, again.  
  
  
  
Dawn woke up from her stupor on the sidewalk and, with help from her hair, was able to stand again. "Thanks, Vivian. I don't know what I'd do without you."  
  
"You'd be even more useless than you are now, a complete social outcast, and dead, in no particular order," her hair replied, "Now lets get moving, we don't have time to dawdle when my life is on the line."  
  
"But its so dark, I can't see well enough to walk there," Dawn whined. Vivian placated her host body with a swish of herself, causing a shiny gleam to light Dawn's way. "Oh Vivian, you're my best friend."  
  
"I'm your only friend you prissy little bitch, now get to stepping," Vivian harshly replied, until a whimper from Dawn warmed her heart, or whatever it is sentient hair has. "Ok, fine, you can stop and steal lawn ornaments; but it must be something you can fit in your pocket.No, not the flamingo!"  
  
  
  
"B.U.F.F.Y." Buffy bedazzled the door of her home, marking her territory in a way Season- I mean, high school sophmore Buffy might have. Something was different, something was making her happier than she usually was, at least happier than she usually showed herself to be. She was able to relax, and not think about Dawn. Or Spike. Or Dawn and Spike together- eww, nevermind. The itty-bitty blonde brawler locked the door, ran up the steps, crept into the bathroom, and locked the door, giving a big sigh of relief afterwards.  
  
"I'm home. Thank god. Now to take a bath in my new chocolate-scented bath oils, right next to my chocolate-scented candles, and use my chocolate- scented shampoo and conditioner, and then, after I get out, I'll use Fudge to fix up my hair," she gleefully thought aloud while pulling off her mocha- colored robe and matching slippers. Just then, there was a knock at the bathroom door, which Buffy thought odd since everyone knows this was Buffy time. However, she shrugged it off and unlocked the door to reveal Spike, drunk off his ass.  
  
"'Ello slayah.I just did da English Soccar Hooligan thing, and now eye'm 'ere to mahk yooo an offah you canna' refuusse." Hands on hips, Buffy surveyed the once proud Spike, who hours ago was her whipping boy and was now, though with balls, still just as pathetic as ever.  
  
"Unless that offer involves me kicking you out right now, I really don't foresee me agreeing to this offer." Spike, however, had other ideas. He grabbed at Buffy's arm, but she countered with an open palm upthrust to his chin. He fell back in pain, shock, and a little bit of nausea.  
  
"'Ow you do dat, slayah? I'm gonna show ooo just how Spike got his nickname," and before Buffy could even utter one pun, Spike produced a railroad spike from his duster.  
  
"How-what-the hell? I thought you gave up railroad spikes a long time ago, along with trying to kill me."  
  
"Well, things chahange." With remarkable skill and accuracy for someone who was seriously snockered, spike thrust the Railroad Spike at her numerous times.  
  
"Spike, this isn't fair! I'm in a friggin robe, in my bathroom! I-" but her words were cut short when spike rammed the blunt part of the Spike into Buffy's ribcage and felled her.  
  
"No, ooo lead me on, wench. Now Its time I took what was myne," Spike rasped as he bent down over the injured slayer, his breath reeking of Paps Blue.  
  
"Eww, Canadian beer!" Buffy skwickily replied as she struggled to free herself from the sloshed vampire, "And just cause I'm a cock-tease does not give you the right to- huh?" Buffy stopped her screechin preachin when Spike stood up, bottle in hand.  
  
"There, now eye got meself some chocolate shampoo."  
  
"You can't take my shampoo without my consent!"  
  
"Well, I can do anything. I'm Spike. I'm pouty and have amazing abs so you better believe I can get away with any-" and with a 'bong!' Spike was down, decked by a failing anvil. Buffy, acting quickly, grabbed her new chocolate supplies and ran out of the room.  
  
"Thank god I had you guys, I don't think I could have made it with my old stuff," she whispered to her bath products as she walked past a canceled subscription to 'Vanilla' magazine.  
  
  
  
Meanwhile, Angel, broody as ever, continued his search for his baby. "Connor? Connor! Connor! Answer me!" he called out into the darkness, like the moron he is.  
  
"Angel, you can't expect your son to answer you," came a voice from the darkness.  
  
"Whistler!" Angel cried, "You're back! And why wouldn't my son answer me?" asked the curiously coifed cursed creature.  
  
"Damn it, Angel! You ruined my entrance, you putz! And your son won't answer you because he's an infant, and you're an idiot!"  
  
"You took my son."  
  
"What?"  
  
"That's the only explanation," Angel replied as he took the pillow out from under his coat, "the only explanation."  
  
"Angel, nooooooooo-mrphlxgrvsh!" Whister cried as Angel put some more mileage on his 'Near Sofacation-Creatin-Cuz-I-Gotta-Family-To-Be-Makin Pillow'.  
  
  
  
"Willow!" Tara screamed at her partner, who continued on her rampage of the town's only other street in search of Buffy.  
  
"Not now, baby. Baby needs to find Buffy and kill her. Kill her a lot. Kill that ultra-mega-bitch now," the redhead replied while floating along with eerie calm.  
  
"No, I can't let you do this. Thicken!" As Tara screamed, Willow became momentarily immobilized.  
  
"Um, baby, could you let Willow out, she's gotta go be mean."  
  
"I ca-ca-can't let you do that, Willow. Buffy's yo-your friend, and-"  
  
"Oh, she I-I-is, is she? Then why did she take what's mine?"  
  
"That's enough!" Tara's eyes glinted a brilliant, swirling blue color. "You stop floating and rampaging or I will make you stop."  
  
"Oh really, mom, why don't you just try?"  
  
"Fine! Ponere!" Dark blue light flashed from Tara's body and pushed Willow onto the pavement. "Now stop your whining and act like an adult!" Willow began to show remorse on her face, when suddenly, a huge smile spread across her face and she jumped up, her voice octaves higher.  
  
"Oz!"  
  
"The poor little redheaded boy with the hair issue? But he's." Tara trailed off as she saw her girlfriend rush into the arms of her lycanthrope former boyfriend.  
  
"Hi, Willow," Oz said sweetly, holding a small box out for his former girlfriend, "I have something for you."  
  
"What is it, Oz?"  
  
"Open it-you've got such beautiful eyes."  
  
"Thank you." Willow opened the box, ignoring Tara's whimper, and a yellow light flew across her face, causing her to glow. "It's."  
  
"Your heterosexuality. I've been keeping it safe for when you and Tara ultimately fail because you can't actually be gay, since we were so cute together in high school and the very beginning of college..." Tara's jaw dropped.  
  
"Wha?" However, her incredulity did not spread to her girlfriend, who flung her arms around Oz and kissed him passionately. Tara, almost in disbelief at this point, walked over to her girlfriend and tried to reason with her. "Willow, just because you didn't think you were gay before doesn't make it a phase, just as being gay doesn't invalidate the love you had for Xander and Oz."  
  
"Huh? Hello young lady, I'm making out with my boyfriend, so could you please talk somewhere else?" Willow politely asked.  
  
"Excuse me? Oz comes back and suddenly its like I-I never existed? N- n-no way." The young witch tried to separate the redheads, but was pushed back by Oz.  
  
"Listen, you've had your fun, but since I'm back, you don't really need to be here, do you?"  
  
"The same could be said of you. She chose me, remember? The whole candle blow-out thing?"  
  
"I wasn't there. Besides, you'll have to leave her eventually, and I'll be there, just like we discussed," Oz half-turned back to Willow, who nibbled his ear, as he spoke.  
  
"You discussed your life together after you got rid of me?" she yelled, insenced.  
  
"Well, it was interesting, but I never had any passion with you, I mean, we never kissed with the lights on until Buffy's mom died, and even that was alone in the room."  
  
"It wasn't my fault!"  
  
"Well, sorry. I'm with my snuggle-buggy now, and we are going to have lots of hippos and French monkeys together, now, if you'll excuse us-" But she didn't. Instead, in the middle of Willow's sentence, Tara pushed past her and made out with Oz.  
  
"Ew, boys," Tara managed to spout out, a disgusted look on her face, "God, I am so damn gay.eww," she continued, scraping her tongue and spittin on the ground.  
  
"Well, I'd like to say I had just as bad a time, but I didn't. Also, Willow is glowing yellow again," Oz pointed out.  
  
"Oh, oh my." Indeed, Willow's face again lit up with a golden shade, which dissipated soon after her current? lovers noticed. "Are you ok?" Willow blinked for a moment at her girlfriend's question, then smiled brightly.  
  
"I'm fine. In fact, baby of mine, sigh, I'm bi!"  
  
"Uh-oh," Tara uttered.  
  
"What do you mean, 'uh-oh'?" Oz asked.  
  
"Well," Tara began, "Willow has a tendency to, um, perform musical numbers to illustrate her sexuality. Oh, crap, and here come the back-up dancers." As if from a music video, hard bodied men and women entered the street, flanking Willow left and right and tossing her some pre-bedazzled clothes to put on. The music began, a hard, peppy beat, and sparklers lit up the road. "And here we go."  
  
Found in a street The sound in my ears is not a ring  
  
Two lovers that are so sweet  
  
How 'bout it, people, wanna swing?  
  
I've been mystified  
  
Unsure what I liked Now I realize both sides lied  
  
I want tacos and hot dogs --please  
  
Bisexual up now tell me  
  
Do you really want Willow now oh oh oh  
  
Or am I just a slut?  
  
Bisexual up now tell me  
  
Is it gonna be you, you, me ka-pow oh oh oh  
  
Or do you wanna add a mutt?  
  
I could be many things  
  
Wanting to do something freaky  
  
Chaffed by nipple rings  
  
Oz, have you ever humped a tiki?  
  
I've been mystified  
  
Unsure what I liked Now I realize both sides lied  
  
I want tacos and hot dogs --please  
  
Bisexual up now tell me  
  
Do you really want Willow now oh oh oh  
  
Or am I just a slut?  
  
Bisexual up now tell me  
  
Is it gonna be you, you, me ka-pow oh oh oh  
  
Or do you wanna add a mutt?  
  
You both are so cute I don't know what to choose  
  
How bout we all lose our inhibitions  
  
If you're into playing sex games  
  
I'll just have to say-KY KY KY KY KY KY KY KY KY  
  
Would would you both do me  
  
Would would you both do me  
  
Would would you both do me  
  
Would would you both do me  
  
I've been mystified  
  
Unsure what I liked Now I realize both sides lied You need to try to spread your wings  
  
Add some pages to the SEX book  
  
I wanna explore you two  
  
Do the deed until you coo  
  
I want tacos and hot dogs -please  
  
  
  
"Well, that was interesting," Oz deadpanned.  
  
"Yeah, and since she has her heterosexuality thingy, I think, we can go and find the next piece of the puzzle. Do you wanna come along?"  
  
"No, that's ok. I'm kind of a one-woman man, and you and Willow make two. Besides, I have an audition in L.A. for a stunt double in a new series."  
  
"Wolf Lake was canceled."  
  
"Oh, I'm not, oh, har, har, very funny. I have my own career to look after. I don't need to be with these guys anymore."  
  
"Oh, well, bye." As Oz walked off, Willow approached her girlfriend, glistening with sweat and puffing out her chest in order to get more air, in a non-cold-turkey from magic way. "Hi sweetie."  
  
"Hi. Where'd Oz go?"  
  
"He left to pursue his career. Do you still have the heterosexuality thing figured out, though?" Tara pulled a loose hair from Willow's flushed face as she spoke.  
  
"Yeah. Do wanna go do it in a warehouse?"  
  
"Willow! I'm surprised, I'm shocked- eh, Ok." The two ladies quickly scampered into the nearest empty building as Xander, Anya, and Giles left the Bronze.  
  
  
  
"Xander, I just don't understand, I mean, how can one man eat that many pretzels?" Giles asked, frustrated, as he cleaned his glasses.  
  
"Well, they said 'All You Can Eat'. I didn't know they meant, 'Eat Until We Run Out and Then Kick You Out'," the stoutest of the Scoobies replied. "Besides, once I get back to the gym, all of this will melt away."  
  
"Like butter!" Anya added helpfully, then, even more helpfully, cleaned up Xander's drool which formed after hearing that fatty word.  
  
  
  
Regina, tag, you're it. Two to go. But in a good way. 


	7. Take My Kid Sister, Please!

**Repeatedly. In Many Different Positions.  
**_Chapter 7: Take My Kid Sister--Please!  
_by regina welch (raepenguin@yahoo.com)  


  
**Spoilers**: The story is, as noted at the beginning, set during Season 6, but this chapter does sneak in a few jokes about S7 Buffy/S4 Angel, specifically through Beneath You and Rain of Fire.  
  
**Warnings**: Character death, marathon gay sex, gratuitously nude Spike, and excessive use of hair gel. Not together. That would be way too predictable.  
  
**Feedback**: Gratefully accepted. Raepenguin@yahoo.com  
  
**Acknowledgments**: Thanks to hold_that_thought for not following through on your horrible threats. I suppose I owe you what little shred of sanity I still have. Of course, I also owe you for the loss of a good chunk of the rest of it.  
  
**Additional notes**: I'm terribly sorry I took so long to get around to writing this. I suck. But my chapter doesn't! Read on. Plus, luckily, we don't have to depend on me for the last chapter.  
  
  


***************  


a female voice grunted. Oooooh! Oh, yeah, baby, just like that. Oooh! The sound of grunts and moans drifted out from the warehouse into the alley as Giles, Anya, and Xander exited the Bronze.  
  
Anya exclaimed, poking her fiancee in the shoulder, We haven't done it in an abandoned warehouse in almost a week! Xander lurched forward, spilling his last remaining handful of pretzels as he coughed and choked, but he didn't pass out or anything because that would be lame.  
  
While Anya patted a sputtering Xander on the back, Giles squinted through his glasses, then removed them thoughtfully. They were looking a bit worn through, he noted, as he polished them with great ardor, trying to ignore the moaning and grunting sounds still wafting across the alley. He'd have to replace these glasses upon his return to England. He patted his breast pocket, feeling the reassuring shape of his return plane ticket. Yes, this would only be a short guest stint in Sunnydale; soon enough he'd be free to abandon his young charges and let them flounder around on their own without his guidance or ruggedly handsome good looks.  
  
Oh, God! Oh, God! the voice from the warehouse wailed out even louder than before.  
  
Wait a minute, Xander exhaled, still recovering. Does that woman's voice sound familiar to anyone? Giles began polishing his glasses even more furiously than before.  
  
Could it be Buffy? Anya questioned. Maybe Spike is in there helping her remove a wasp's stinger from her ass. That sort of thing can be rather painful and cause a person to moan quite a lot.  
  
Oh, Goddess, Tara! the voice cried.  
  
It's Willow! Xander grinned. Willow and Tara are in there having lesbian sex!  
  
Oh, God, there, yes! Willow screamed.  
  
Giles's thumb pressed through the remaining thin film of glass, polishing a hole clear through his right spectacle lens. He lifted them to examine the damage, then folded the useless eyepiece away in his breast pocket, a wry expression on his face. Yes, now that that's been settled, perhaps we should move on to finding Dawn? I'm quite sure Willow and Tara have no need of us lurking around outside.  
  
Hang on a minute, Anya put her hand up. I think we should listen to what Willow is screaming during her orgasm. Xander's eyes widened in delighted surprise. I think it's telling us something important, she clarified. Aside from that, Willow's orgasms are of no great interest to me. Just listen for a second.  
  
As if on cue, Willow shrieked, Oh, Goddess! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, Goddess, Tara, yes!  
  
Anya grinned triumphantly. She said Oh, Goddess, oh, _God_.' She must have gotten her heterosexuality back! Or I guess she's bisexual now. But everyone knows that lesbians are physically incapable of saying God.' They can only say   
  
Excellent detective work, An, Xander congratulated her. She beamed in response.  
  
Giles stared at the pair, baffled. Do tell me there is a reason why Willow's sexual orientation is so terribly important to us.  
  
A very good one, G-man, Xander said, clapping the watcher on the back as the three of them walked out of the alley. See, there was this demon on television, and he sent us on a scavenger hunt...  
  
I got my natural hair color back! Anya piped in. Giles graced her with an affectionate smile.  
  
...so now all that's left to find is Dawn's real family and Tara's backbone, Xander finished. And do you think there'll be free food when this is over, or were those apples a one time thing?  
  


***************  


Inside the warehouse, Tara cuddled up at Willow's side. H-hey, Willow? she asked tentatively. I know I agreed to this and everything, and this has been great, but m-maybe we should find a safer place for Round 2? Willow raised an eyebrow in doubt. I just mean, the crime rate in this neighborhood is pretty high, even for Sunnydale, and you know how it is, two lesbians getting with the crazy monkey sex, there's bound to be an accident.  
  
Nah, we're fine here, Willow said dismissively and leaned over to nibble Tara's ear.  
  
  
  
Hey, did you notice if there was a fire hydrant outside? Willow pulled back for a second. All that exertion left me feeling a wee bit parched.  
  


**************  


You took my son! Angel roared as he pressed the pillow into Whistler's face. Flailing, Whistler managed to reach up and thread his fingers through Angel's heavily gelled hair, gripping him by the sides of the head. Leveraged by his gel-enhanced grip, he flipped up and catapulted over the vampire's head, freeing himself from suffocation and tilting Angel over backward in the process.  
  
Barely pausing as he gasped for breath, Whistler withdrew his hands from Angel's sculpted hair. Rivulets of goo stretched out as he moved his hands away. he cried in disgust, and moved to wipe his hands on his pants, then thought better of it and reached for the discarded pillow.  
  
Angel sat up, seething. You took my son, he growled, _and you ruined my hair!_ He began earnestly primping into his compact mirror covered with a helpful little Post-it note that read Maybe a little more hair gel, and, scrawled at the bottom, Reminder: Don't get a happy with a little smiley face symbol with a slash through it.  
  
As Whistler sauntered away to finally complete his real mission in Sunnydale, he called over his shoulder, You'll be lucky if you never do see your kid again, Angel. That way you'll never have to see him and _Cordelia_. . . He trailed off as Angel looked up from his mirror, his eyes love-struck and hopeful. Never mind. Thank the Powers, it ain't my problem. Now if you'll excuse me, I got a young woman's life to save. And he disappeared into the night.  
  


**************  


What is your problem? Anya huffed as Xander lagged behind once again.  
  
It's just, well, does finding Dawn really have to involve this much walking? Xander whined. Maybe we could just sit down at the Espresso Pump over here, have ourselves some mocha lattes and chocolate cake, and she'll find us. Sunnydale may have a zoo, a major state university, twelve cemeteries, way more churches than I can count, and a big ass dam, but it's still a teeny little town. She's bound to walk by eventually.  
  
Dawn is out on her own on the Hellmouth, Giles scolded. No one has seen her since last night--  
  
Hold on, Anya interrupted. Xander has a point. Why waste our time looking for Dawn? We have to find her real family anyway, and once we do, they'll be the ones responsible for chasing after the little weasel every time she slips away. We should go to the Hall of Records to see if the monks left any clues there when they created her.  
  
Giles protested, Anya, I really think we ought to find Dawn--  
  
Xander grinned sheepishly, I'll just stay here and stake out the Espresso Pump--  
  
Oh, no, Mr. Librarian, you are going to research at the Hall of Records, and you, Xander, cannot have any chocolate cake, Anya declared, pulling the two men along by their elbows.  
  
Stumbling along beside Anya, Giles continued to protest, The girl is out there alone on the Hellmouth at night; there's no telling what kind of trouble she could be getting into...  
  
  


***************  


Dawn grinned as she snapped the arm off a statue of an angel just inside the cemetery gates and hastily stuffed it in her backpack. Marble statuary would look way classy in her bedroom. Not that Buffy would ever notice anyway. Dawn contemplated whining about it to the now one-armed angel statue but decided she'd better get her bribe money to the Evil Hair Nazi before it got too late. She'd already wasted all day today lying in a ditch waiting to be rescued. No wonder Mom had always warned her about the ditches. Anyway, whining may be important, but it should never get in the way of good hair, she thought, as she flounced along on her way.  
  
  


****************  


Buffy smoothed the Fudge into her hair as she considered her reflection in the full length mirror in her bedroom. It was so unfair that her little sister got to have better hair than her. I mean, wasn't Dawn made out of Buffy? And then, shouldn't they look exactly alike? Buffy stared pointedly at her reflection and wrinkled her brow in an obvious heartfelt demonstration of confusion. Could she have been wrong? Where the hell had she come up with the idea that Dawn was made out of her anyway? Didn't they have to find Dawn's real family tonight? And did that mean that she, Buffy, wasn't really it? Had it been pure dumb luck that her suicide--uh, that is, heroic sacrifice--managed to save the world? Buffy giggled at her outlandish line of thought. Of _course_ Dawn was made out of her. How could anything _not_ be all about her? That item on the scavenger hunt had to be some kind of a fluke, or maybe a freebie. Freebies are good! And the hair thing? Dawn would probably be dumb enough when she grew up to chop it all off and dye it blonde; some brunettes with gorgeous long hair just didn't know how to appreciate what they had.  
  
Feeling reassured and rejuvenated, Buffy skipped down the hallway to head out on patrol, complete the quest, slay the demon, and save the day. It was her sacred duty. She paused when she got to the bathroom door, remembering that Spike was still there, unconscious from that unfortunate anvil fall. She made a mental note to have the ceilings reinforced, then stepped into the bathroom with a devious grin. She had a plan. Okay, maybe she should have been upset about the fact that Spike had just assaulted her and tried to steal her shampoo, but that was _so_ not a big deal in light of everything else going on. After all, she had a scavenger hunt to finish.  
  
Ah, yes, she sighed moments later, shrugging the leather duster on to her shoulders after pulling it from Spike's cold undead body. She had gone for nearly ten minutes without her bleached boytoy's sexy smirks and his sexy, well, sex, and she had missed him terribly. She pulled the duster tighter around her body and inhaled deeply that special Spiky scent of blood, bourbon, and cigarettes. Or possibly just the scent of old leather. Whatever.  
  
Buffy proceeded to pull off the rest of his clothes and pile them neatly in the corner. Yes, even unconscious Spike looked _great_ naked. As an afterthought, she picked up a washcloth to throw over his dangly bits, for modesty's sake, then reconsidered his proportions and carefully draped a hand towel over him instead. At last, she left the bathroom and was on her way out to slay.  
  
Well, first she tripped on her coattails in the foyer, and _then _she was on her way to complete her sacred duty. After stumbling on the much-too-long coat every three steps on her way downtown, Buffy decided that wearing Spike's duster was an immensely lame idea and dumped the coat by the side of the road.  
  


*****************  


This is it, Whistler primed himself as he approached the warehouse. Just hope I'm not too late. I gotta warn the witches, I got it on high authority that somebody's gonna get killed around here tonight, and it better not be one of them.  
  
Across the alley, Clem and Sophie stepped out of the Bronze. I'm sorry you were allergic to the hot wings, Clem sighed. They're really very good when they don't make your face swell up. On the plus side, that red blouse really complements your extra-rosy cheeks.   
  
Sophie stretched her puffy facial muscles into a weak smile, then suddenly her eyes widened in terror and shock as a huge, sharp-clawed, purple scaly demon emerged from the shadows. Before anyone knew what was happening, the demon rushed up and slit Sophie's throat. She fell limply to the ground.  
  
Whistler shrugged. Guess it wasn't one of the witches after all, he muttered, then turned and walked away. Mission accomplished, I guess.  
  
Clem wailed, crouching down to hold Sophie's body. The scaly demon continued to attack, sharp claws attempting to shred Clem's flesh, but his thick skin protected him from serious damage. Clem huddled protectively over Sophie's dead body, sobbing. She was so young! She'd just had her very first taste of hot wings!  
  
an authoritative voice rang out, halting the scaly demon in its attempt to maul Clem and reach its succulent kill. Do you have _any_ idea how long this night has been? Buffy sauntered into the alley and took a fighting stance. I mean, seriously, the past few days have dragged on like _months_. The demon turned to her and growled. Buffy pounced and easily pinned the demon on its stomach, its claws trapped underneath. She gripped its head and leaned in. But it shouldn't take too long for me to kill you.  
  
Willow and Tara burst out of the warehouse, panting, their clothes disheveled. Well, Willow was panting, but that was pretty much the norm for her. Tara was just somewhat flushed. Buffy, that's a Koola Yedam demon! Tara cried, distressed.  
  
Not to worry, guys, he's putty in my hands. She twisted the demon's head, briskly snapping its neck. Ewwww. Or perhaps I should say, goo in my hands, she amended, as the demon's scales had suddenly begun oozing purple slime.  
  
Breaking the spine of a Koola Yedam demon triggers the opening of its slime pores, Tara explained. We were about to tell you.  
  
Kinda like the icky demon version of a glow stick, Willow explained. Then she remembered that she used to use magic to fight demons, and now she couldn't use magic, glow sticks are used at raves, and people use drugs at raves, and magic is a drug and oh, God, oh, Goddess! She ran back to the open fire hydrant she'd been using all evening and began gulping down huge sips of the gushing water.  
  
Oh, ew, Buffy muttered, wiping her slimy hands on her slimy jeans.  
  
Tara stuttered, there's something you should know about Koola Yedam slime.  
  
That it's fully machine-washable and takes on a spring fresh scent on contact with water? Cause I'm not digging the instant-onset dead demon stink.  
  
No, I mean, I don't know, but that's not it. She ducked her head shyly, even though she had important exposition to deliver. The slime of Koola Yedam demons, it has psychotropic properties. Hallucinogenic. Sometimes it causes psychic visions. But don't worry, you didn't get too much on your hands, so you should stay moderately lucid.  
  
Buffy gaped, incredulous. Demon slime gives me psychic powers? Didn't we already do that exact same plot back in season th--I mean, 1999?  
  
Tara shrugged. I guess we're just going to do it again. Go with it. She smiled and nodded, and Buffy was surprised to find that she, too, was smiling and nodding.  
  
Stupider stuff has happened!  
  


**************  


Ooh, shiny! Dawn crowed, noticing a crumpled up garment on the roadside. Her arms were laden with way too many premium hair care products given to her after successfully paying off the Evil Hair Nazi. She dropped everything, including all the lawn gnomes, mail boxes, and gravestones she'd acquired in recent hours, and moved to investigate. It was a leather coat. It was Spike's coat! She slipped it on and found that it had pockets for all of her loot. This night was definitely looking up.  
  


***************  


Tara and Buffy turned around, surprised at Clem's mournful wail. They'd totally forgotten that his plot was left hanging.  
  
Clem? Are you all right?  
  
My little glazed Munchkin! he moaned over Sophie's dead body. My dear little bag of Pop-Secret microwave buttered popcorn. Things were going so well for us! We had such a beautiful time, playing parcheesi together all day today. She was so wonderful, the sweet Little Debbie snack cake, I thought, I thought maybe--I thought maybe someday she'd be my Mah Jongg partner. He broke down into incoherent sobs, then cried again, Mah Jonnnnnnnnngg!  
  
Tara spoke gently, you seem really fixated on snack food and parlor games.  
  
I can't help it! he wailed. That's all I ever get to talk about. That and TV. I'm a one trick pony. I don't get any character development! He dissolved into tears once again.  
  
Buffy turned to Tara and hissed, You really weren't kidding about those hallucinations. You wouldn't believe what I thought Clem just--  
  
Tara cut her off. No, that's real. We all grieve in our own ways. Tara continued speaking about mourning and stages of recovery, but Buffy was too distracted to listen. Looking over Tara's shoulder, Buffy saw--well, not really, she had to be truly hallucinating this time, but that didn't make the vision seem any less real--Buffy saw none other than, well, herself.  
  
Oh, no. No, this really can't be good.  
  
Just then, Willow returned to the alley, panting after her long drink of water, and unknowingly stood beside the other Buffy. Hey, guys, what's up?  
  
Buffy asked, forming her words carefully. You don't see _me_ standing there beside you, do you?  
  
Willow wrinkled her brow, No, Buffy, you're all the way over there. She pointed to emphasize the length of alley between them. But if this is some kind of Jesus complex again, I--  
  
Okay. So she's a hallucination, Buffy declared, pointing.  
  
The other Buffy grinned broadly. Oh, I don't think I'm a hallucination! I'm Buffy! She stepped closer to Buffy and looked upon her, curious. Say, you look just like me. We're very pretty!  
  
You're having a Koola Yedam vision of yourself? Willow asked. Hey, you should see if your hallucination can give us a psychic boost on the scavenger hunt. Did you know? I'm bisexual now!  
  
That's great, Willow. But it's not me after all, Buffy groaned. I'm having a vision of the BuffyBot. And she's ripping off her own lines. I mean, at least think of something new to say. How annoying is that?  
  
This, of course, was Dawn's cue to walk by. She clutched her coat full of stolen goods closer to her body and slouched into the alley. Get out get out GET OUT! she screeched. Everyone looked at her quizzically. Oh, I mean, hey guys, what's up?  
  
BuffyBot brightened at the teen's appearance, grinning radiantly. Dawn is my sister!  
  
Yeah, Dawn, my sister, Buffy dismissed, then, remembering the scavenger hunt, asked intently, Where do we find her real family? It's very important to find them tonight, as soon as possible.  
  
Dawn pouted. Gee, Buffy, tell me how you _really_ feel.  
  
BuffyBot beamed, as usual. I can show you where Dawn's real family is! This way! And she turned and walked out of the alley, a bounce in her step.  
  
We're supposed to follow her, Buffy quickly explained to her friends, then took off in pursuit. Willow, Tara, and Dawn followed closely behind. Where are we going? Buffy called out to the vision.  
  
You'll see! the Bot chirped, never slowing her pace. From beside you it screeches!  
  
From beside you it screeches? Buffy repeated.  
  
The Bot abruptly stopped, turned back to face Buffy, and suddenly morphed into another blonde figure entirely. Duh! Yeah? From beside you it screeches. Did you not hear me the first time? She turned on her heel and continued walking as quickly as before.  
  
Buffy just stood there, dumbfounded. What the hell just happened?  
  
Uh, Buffy, we're kind of relying on you to tell us, remember? You're the one having psychic hallucinations. And what does From beside you it screeches' mean?  
  
Buffy blinked at Willow, then spun to chase after the retreating blonde. Hey, Harmony, wait up!  
  


***************  


I just don't see how it took you two so long to remember that Buffy's family didn't even move here until season--uh, 1997. No wonder there wasn't any information on Dawn's birth at the Sunnydale Hall of Records! Anya grouched.  
  
The two of us? Giles countered. It was your bloody idea!  
  
Well, we might've got something if any of us had ever used a computer in our entire lives, Xander defended his girlfriend, but only Willow knows how to do that.  
  
Just then, Buffy sprinted straight past the trio standing outside the Hall of Records, leaving the stench of dead demon in her wake. A split second later, Dawn, encased in bulky black leather, and Willow and Tara, quite possibly wearing each other's clothes, rushed by in hot pursuit.  
  
Anya shouted. There goes computer girl now! Catch her! And with that, she, Xander, and Giles, took off at a fast clip. Willow, we need you!  
  


***************  


Back at Casa de Summers, the one character woefully _un_needed in this chapter still lay gratuitously naked on the bathroom floor. But at least he looked good. Really damn good. And did I mention naked?  
  


***************  


As Buffy finally closed the distance between them, Harmony slowed her pace and glanced back over her shoulder at the Scoobies, all rushing in pursuit of each other. Check out the freak parade. Harmony sighed in mock exasperation. This is just like high school, all the losers running around trying to follow me wherever I go.  
  
Harmony, everybody's following _me_, Buffy countered. They can't even _see_ you. You're a figment of my imagination. And I'm only following you because you were supposed to show me where Dawn's real family is. Now are we getting close? Will I know them when I see them? What do they look like? And why can't you just tell me their name? Will they pay me child support so I don't have to work at such a lame ass job?  
  
Would you stop with the twenty questions already! Harmony exclaimed, walking briskly once again. The rest of the Scoobies had caught up and were following Buffy closely--well, not _too_ closely, given that she was still covered in stinky dried demon slime, but closely enough. You are _such_ a drag. And anyway all I'm allowed to tell you is From beside you it screeches,' okay?  
  
You know, you keep telling me, From beside you it screeches,' and every time it gets a little more annoying, Buffy complained. Is this supposed to be some kind of a prophecy about _you_?  
  
Willow hissed. Don't antagonize the psychic vision!  
  
It's a psychic vision of _Harmony_, Will.  
  
Oh, well, then, carry on.  
  
Hey, it's the zoo! Harmony exclaimed. Indeed, the entourage had reached the gates of the Sunnydale Zoo. I want to see the tigers. I wonder if they have any white tigers, like Siegfried and Roy, because I've never actually been to Vegas but I've always thought they were really cool, you know? Hey, do you think they'd ever hire a vampire as their lovely assistant?  
  
Oh, no, Buffy protested. My psychic vision is not allowed to break away for a field trip. Not until you help us on the scavenger hunt.  
  
But maybe later we can all play tether ball at recess! Xander joked.  
  
Harmony scowled, then her features abruptly changed, her hair darkened, and her stylish blue Gucci dress turned to a long, flowing white gown. I'm _going_ to the zoo, she declared petulantly in an indeterminate English accent, then floated straight through the gate. Nasty little slayer and her little friends can't stop me.  
  
Buffy muttered. They just get harder and harder to talk to every time. Resigned, she easily ripped apart the chain that held the gate closed and led the way on to the grounds. She found Drusilla standing beside the primate house.  
  
Tick, tick, tock, little girl, Drusilla whispered with little spastic shakes to her head. Buffy could barely make out her words over the sound of monkeys shrieking inside the primate house. Daddy's getting near the honey pot. Won't that be a treat?  
  
Buffy, what can you see? Willow nudged. Anything prophetic?  
  
Honey pot, Buffy repeated. Daddy's getting near the honey pot?  
  
Dawn's real father is Winnie the Pooh?  
  
Drusilla giggled maniacally. Slayer's already had her lollies. You shan't have any more!  
  
Buffy, I seem to have missed something, I'm afraid, Giles interrupted. You're having some kind of visions, I take it?  
  
Penguins, penguins, Daddy took me from the penguins! Drusilla squealed. And now Daddy is to have his sweets.  
  
Well, I'm _trying_! Buffy cried out in exasperation. But with everybody asking me questions all the time and those damn howler monkeys screeching away over there, how exactly am I supposed to focus on the insane ramblings of a psychic vampire hallucination who may or may not have the information we need to defeat the demon on TV?  
  
That's it! Willow exclaimed. Those howler monkeys! From beside you it screeches. The howler monkeys are Dawn's real family. She beamed.  
  
No way, Dawn intoned. I am not a monkey.  
  
Sure you are, Dawnie, Xander piped in. You're a key, made by monks. Ergo, monkey. It's all very simple when you think about it.  
  
When the monks needed to protect the Key from Glory, they must have taken a highly intelligent howler monkey and imbued it with Summers DNA and key properties simultaneously, Willow explained. I guess ya can't create something out of nothing, huh?  
  
Dawn squealed in frustration. I am not a monkey!  
  
I wouldn't have believed it, but look at how shiny their fur is. And they only started making all this noise when we got here, like maybe they recognized Dawn, you know? Tara said. Or maybe they were just clamoring for attention.  
  
Giles sighed. Of course. If only all life's problems could be solved by bad puns.  
  
Then _I'd_ be the slayer! Xander grinned.  
  
My pretty Spoike hears the nightingale! He has lollies all his own, Spoike, not my Spoike, the Slayer's Spoike. So many spiders! Where do they come from, the spiders?  
  
Wait, what was the part about penguins? Buffy asked, a bit behind the times.  
  
Stop it! Dawn shrieked. I'm not a monkey!  
  
Really now, this whole monkey thing is the best explanation I've seen for all that screeching, Anya said. Not to mention the prehensile tail.  
  
Dawn shucked Spike's duster to the ground and spun around, panicked. A tail?!  
  
Only kidding. You monkeys are so sensitive.  
  


*************  


Back outside the Bronze, Angel neared the alley, sniffing the air. What in the world was that intoxicating aroma? He approached slowly, stealthily. Yes, there was the scent of blood in the air, but it wasn't that which lured him....  
  
Oh, cool! A hair gel demon!  
  


**************  


Stay tuned for the exciting conclusion by Alex Lyman! Will Sunnydale be plagued by an insane souled vampire? Will Spike ever put any clothes back on? And, oh yeah, will Tara ever get her backbone? Can the Scooby Gang defeat the Scavenger Hunt demon once and for all? Coming soon!


	8. Baby Got Backbone

_Long Winded and Overly Involved Author's Note_  
Here we are folks, at long last. Eight and a half months after we started, "**Repeatedly. In Many Different Positions**." Ends with the eights and final chapter, "**Baby Got Backbone**." Due to a few scheduling glitches, the author lineup has changed slightly and I'll be stepping in to finish the run ("I" being **hold_that_thought** (_APostModernSleaz@aol.com_)). I'm sure it's not half as good as the original writer, Alex Lyman, could have done, and I look forward to reading Alex's other stories in the future. Those who haven't read her Joys of Springtime (http://www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=701238) really should go check it out.  
Now, for the thank you's. Big thanks and love to **Nongenius**, who probably deserves co-writer credit on this chapter. She held my hand every step of the way (which made typing very difficult, let me tell you). Love to **little_bit** who started this whole shebang all those months ago. And both of these amazing women have gone on to mean a lot more to me than parody co-writers. And to **Shadowlass**, **adjrun**, and **cousinjean**, who didn't help with _this_ fic (so don't blame them when it fails to amuse you), but who have helped me in many other ways, and who I love as well.  
Finally, thanks to anyone who is reading this chapter, and anyone who kept reading this fic over the long eight months it took to dribble out.  
Oh, and for all intents and purposes, this story still takes place shortly after Normal Again in Season Six, although there are slight spoilers through the very beginning of Season Seven (nothing really past Same Time Same Place). 

* * *

**Repeatedly. In Many Different Positions.**  
_Chapter Eight : Baby Got Backbone_  
by hold_that_thought

  
  


"So now what?" Anya asked.

Buffy, Giles, Xander, Anya, Willow, Tara, and Dawn were all standing outside the howler monkey cage outside the Sunnydale Zoo.

"Well, I guess we go find the last piece of the scavenger hunt now, Tara's backbone," Willow said.

"No, I meant with Dawn. I mean, shouldn't we leave her here with her real family, the howler monkeys?"

Buffy shook her head. "Nuh uh. In a year or two I'm going to want to leave vampire slaying behind and pursue a career in mediocre teen movies, and we're going to need Dawn around to be the next convenient Slayer."

Just then, Angel entered the zoo. "Guys, I'm serious, I really need to find Connor."  
  
"Never fear, I think I know where we have to go to find Tara's backbone _and_ your kid," Xander announced. "Follow me."

* * *

Spike had found what he was looking for in the Summers' garage. Pulling out Buffy's old ten-speed bike, Spike hopped on it and started peddling towards the outskirts of town. Good thing he wasn't going off to a whole other country or anything, since the bike would provide no protection whatsoever from the sunlight.  
"Get comfortable," Spike said aloud, despite being completely alone. "Get comfortable Buffy, because when I get back…." Spike trailed off, unable to think of something suitably threatening. He added 'Think of New Threats Towards Scoobies' to his mental checklist, next to 'Locate Duster' and 'Not Lose Balls Again'.

* * *

"Xander, why did you bring us to Chili's?" Buffy asked.

"Trust me," he said.

The Scoobies shrugged and followed Xander into the restaurant.

"Hey, Xander! The usual?" the Chili's Hostess beamed at him.

"No, Tricia. Today, I need you to bring me your biggest order of…um…this." He pointed to an item on the menu.

Tricia smiled. "Coming right up."

* * *

The plane touched down in LAX and Cordelia Chase stepped off. She'd been vacationing with Groosalug when she'd gotten a vision telling her to go back to Sunnydale. So here she was, going back to her hometown. Cordy passed a familiar looking disheveled man with bandaged hands, in line to board a plane heading towards Canada.

"Baby's gone, baby's gone, ha! Ha! No more stupid evil baby! Bye bye Sunnydale, bye bye evil baby!" he was chanting to himself while grinning madly.

She shook her head. "Yup, Sunnydale is probably as weird as ever."

* * *

The demon listened to Spike and nodded. "Yes, I can do as you request. But first, you'll have to undergo a series of painful trials."  
  
"Right, sure, bring it on," Spike said.

"Are you certain?"  
  
"I said bring it on!"  
  
"Fine."  
  
The demon snapped and a familiar face stepped out of the shadows.

Spike shuddered. "You want me to have sex with Angel?"  
  
"This is only an apparition of Angel and no. You don't have to have sex with Angel, you have to teach him to dance."  
  
"Then why is he naked?" Spike asked.

"I told you it was going to be painful."

* * *

The waitress set the steaming plate down on the table. Xander grinned proudly.

"This, my friends, is the solution to our problems."  
  
"Xander, sweetie, what does a plate of meat have to do with Tara's backbone and Angel's son?" Anya asked.

"Don't you see? Babyback Ribs! You've got the baby, like Angel's son! And Willow always calls Tara 'Baby', and there's the back! And it has bones! Problems solved!"

"You have got to be kidding me," Buffy sighed.

Giles frowned. "You can't honestly expect us to believe that the answer to our problems are Chili's Babyback Ribs."  
  
"Okay, okay," Xander said. "I was _hungry_, alright? I haven't eaten in ages!"  
  
"Well, I'd like to finish this stupid hunt before the television demon kills us." Buffy stood up. "Come on guys."  
  
"I just ordered a hundred dollars worth of ribs, I ain't budging 'til I'm pudging," Xander said.

"Fine. The rest of you, let's go."  
  
"If Xander insists on eating fatty foods, I'm going to have to make him burn calories sexually," Anya said. "I'm staying here."  
  
"Me too," Willow said. "Chili's will give me free water."  
  
"I'll go with you, Buffy," Tara said. On seeing Willow's glare, she sat back down. "M-maybe not."  
  
"And I have to go find Connor," Angel said and swept out.

"So one by one, they turn from me…." Buffy began.

"Oh, bloody hell, I'll come with you as long as you stop singing," Giles said.

Dawn stopped shoving silverware, napkins, and condiments down her pants long enough to say, "Yeah, I'll come too."

"Good. Okay. But you four better start looking for Tara's backbone once you finish eating, drinking, screwing, and simpering."

* * *

Angel was back on The Bluff of Redemption, the place where The Powers That Be sent him magic snow years before. Maybe they could help him find his son. He fell to his knees and began sobbing like a little girl.  
  
"Am I not a righteous father? Do I not deserve my son back?"  
  
Suddenly, there was a loud crack and Connor magically appeared in Angel's arms.

"Oh my god, The Powers That Be heard my cry and sent Connor to me! They acknowledge that I am a Champion and an amazing father!"  
  
"No," a voice boomed down from the sky. "We're just sick of your whining."

"Angel?"  
  
"Cordelia?" Angel turned around and was shocked to see Cordelia, long brown hair flowing down past her shoulders, wearing a stylish dress and a smirk. "Your hair…."

"Yeah, I don't know what happened, but as soon as I got back to Sunnydale I started feeling like my old self again. I think the more important question is, why are you in Sunnydale, clutching Connor and weeping like a big doofus?"

"Oh, Delia…." Angel sighed.

"Delia?"

"Yeah, short for Cordelia."  
  
"Uh huh. Well, unless you want me to start calling you 'Gel', no matter how appropriate it may be for you, I suggest you stick with Cordy."  
  
"Right. Sorry. Cordy, I have something to tell you." Angel closed his eyes and took a deep, unnecessary breath. "Cordelia, we've known each other for years. We're Champions, we have Kyrumption. I would like to become your consort. Your lover. Your concubine."  
  
"Oh puh-lease," Cordelia rolled her eyes. "Hello! Maybe I was feeling schmoopy for a while there, but wake up! The old school Cordelia is back, and I am not about to get tangled up with you. Whaddya think, I forgot the whole Angelus debacle back in high school? And you, you big hypocrite, you left Buffy because you didn't want her non-vampire ass to be stuck in the dark with you. What am I, chopped liver? Now get up off your knees you big woman, grab the kid, and let's go back to L.A., start helping the helpless again. We run a detective agency, in case you forgot like everyone else seems to have." Cordelia turned on her heel and stalked towards her car. Angel sniffled, picked up Connor, and followed her.

* * *

"Okay," Spike wheezed, "I've done all you've asked. I taught Angel to dance, I gave Clem an erotic massage, I shaved that Warren guy's whole body, and gave that demon Balthazaar a tongue bath. Now will you give me what I want so Buffy can get what she deserves?"

"Very well," the demon intoned. It handed Spike a rumpled brown paper bag. "Farewell and godspeed, little nipper."

* * *

"Dawn, where did Giles go?" Buffy and her sister had been walking down Main Street when the Slayer realized her Watcher was missing.

"Um…he said he had to go have some tea," Dawn said.

"Oh. Uh, is there some sound coming from your pants?"  
  
"No." Dawn coughed loudly, trying to cover up the muffled screams emanating from her surprisingly expandable pants. "Hey, is something moving in that old abandoned theatre?"

"Huh. Yeah, looks like. I'll go check it out. Dawn, go find Giles, okay?"

Buffy crossed the street and cautiously entered the theatre. She pulled her stake out, ready to slay whatever was lurking in the gloom.

"It didn't work."  
  
The voice came from her right. She turned and saw Spike, crouched low, completely naked save some strategically placed fig leaves, holding out a sparkling blue spandex jumpsuit towards her.

"The costume," he explained. "It didn't fit. Too binding." He nodded sadly. "I'm funny how? I mean funny, like I'm a clown? I amuse you? I make you laugh?"

"Spike, what the hell are you doing?" Buffy snapped.

"Right. Girl isn't amused. Because there's no sparkle. I tried to find it, you know. The sparkle. The missing…costume that fit. That would make me shine. Because you didn't want…."  
  
Spike clutched the bundle of spandex to his chest and skittered forward towards the stage. He climbed up on the abandoned set of the last show performed there, Godspell, and began rocking back and forth.

"I dreamed of being a superstar. Holding myself and spilling salty buckets into the eyes of grateful fans as you smiled at me from the wings. Angel should have warned me…how hard it is. Singing in public. And they gave the sparkle to me and it itches."  
  
Buffy gaped at the vampire. "Your soul."  
  
"What? What the hell are you talking about?" He stopped his rocking. "My sparkle. SPARKLE!" He waved the spandex unitard around like a ninny.

"Oh, sorry," Buffy said. "I thought that was a euphemism. You about done here?"  
  
"Yeah, one sec." Spike turned towards the giant cross jutting out of the middle of the stage. "And they will look at him with adoration, and everybody will cheer and scream. He will be adored. Can I rock now, Buffy? Can I rock?" He turned around and bowed to an imaginary crowd. Then he strode to the edge of the stage and hopped off. "Okay, good to go now, Buffy."  
  
He was halfway out the door when she stopped him. "Um, clothes?"  
  
"Oh, right."

* * *

Once Xander had eaten all the ribs in Chili's and a couple of chickens to boot, the quartet headed to Buffy's house.

"I have an idea," Willow said, and motioned for Xander, Tara, and Anya to follow her upstairs.

"Sweetie, what are you doing with my clothes?" Tara asked as Willow began pulling dresses out of the closet.

Anya folded her arms across her chest. "Burning them, if she has any sense at all."

Willow ignored her and spread three of the dresses out on the bed. "Just a little spell I learned for lonely nights when you aren't here, Tara." She ran her hands over the garments and began to chant. "Spirits, I beseech thee, donnez à ceux-ci la vie de vêtements de sorte qu'ils puissent me soulager dans mes différends. Great Goddess of Blow-Up Dolls, donnez la vie, donnez la vie, donnez la vie!" The dresses filled out as if a body was inside them. Simultaneously, they sat up and held their arms out to comfort Willow. "No, no hugs needed today." The puce crushed-velvet ballgown crossed its arms and turned away as haughtily as an animated dress could. "I'm sorry! I just need information. Do any of you know where Tara's backbone is? We just had it a few weeks ago at Buffy's birthday party, but it seems to have gone missing again." The puce dress continued to ignore Willow, but the magenta lace smock and the canary yellow burlap sack seemed to consider this. Finally, the magenta dress shrugged, but the yellow dress jumped up excitedly. It pointed to the bed.

"It's u-under the b-bed?" Tara asked.

The dress nodded and pointed to Xander.

"You need me to get it?" Xander frowned. "I don't know if I can fit…."  
  
The dress swished its arms back and forth indicating 'no'. Then it pointed to Xander and the bed.

"Honey, I think it wants to mate with you," Anya frowned. She stepped between her fiancée and the dress and said, "Sorry, bucko, no threesomes unless we're talking me, Xander, and Spi—"

"Don't finish that thought, Ahn," Xander warned.

If dresses could sigh, this would have been the time for the yellow dress to do so. But it couldn't, so it walked over to the dresser and picked up a medium-sized crystal. Then it walked over to Tara, pointed to the crystal, pointed to her spine, walked over to the bed, lifted up one corner leg and slid the crystal under, finally pointing towards Xander, and once again back towards the bed.

"Oh!" Xander smacked his hand to his forehead. "Right. Anya, remember when we broke the leg of our bed and I used that white thing to prop it up? That must have been Tara's backbone!"

"Great!" Willow exclaimed. "Xander, you and Tara go to your apartment and get it."  
  
"Why me and Tara?"  
  
"Because that's the pairing of the four of us least likely to lead to sex, and I'd like to finish this sometime tonight."

"Fair enough." Xander and Tara headed out.  
  
When they were gone, Anya indicated to the still-animated dresses. "You're not gonna get all sexy with those things with me in the room, are you?"  
  
Willow shook her head. "No. Well, probably not."

* * *

Buffy, Spike, and Dawn were heading back to Buffy's house to see if the other Scoobies had made any progress on the search for the final item. Buffy was trying not to laugh aloud at the outfit Spike was wearing. It was a pair of shabby black pants with rainbow suspenders over a Superman tee shirt, the only clothes they could find in the theatre that fit him. Dawn spied a mailbox that for some reason wasn't bolted down. After a cursory glance at her sister and the sparkly vampire to make sure they weren't looking at her, she grabbed it and shoved it down her pants.

__

Skriiiiiiitch.

The thin black material had finally been stretched too far and the garment split in two. In a loud clatter, a lot of crap came spilling out onto the sidewalk. Candlesticks, a laptop computer, a couple of garden gnomes, Willow's Bedazzler, the Kokopelli statue, some Doublemeat Palace burgers, a bowling ball, Spike's leather duster, a puppy, a tea service, a couple of ferns, the Mona Lisa, a cash register, the Sunnydale High football stadium's goalpost, a full set of car tires, and a very disoriented Giles.

Buffy started to cry. Dawn crossed her arms and tried to look as indignant as a pantsless kleptomaniac had a right to look. "Oh, let me guess. You're pissed off that you're still alive again, aren't you?"  
  
Buffy wiped her eyes and said, "No, silly. I'm crying because your bowling ball rolled onto my foot!" She grit her teeth, determined to work valiantly through the pain. "Also, I'm glad to be alive. I want to show you the world Dawnie. I want to take you places. And have you steal things. I mean, holy shit, check out some of the loot you've got stashed here! Hello pawn shops, goodbye Doublemeat Palace!"  
  
Dawn grinned and hugged her sister. Then she looked down and got embarrassed. "Uh, I forgot to steal extra pants."  
  
"Hey, Spike, you still have that blue unitard?" Buffy asked.

* * *

Xander had just finished popping Tara's backbone back in when Spike, Buffy, Giles, and Dawn walked in the door.

"Oh, good, you guys found it?" Buffy said.

"Yep! It was under Xander's bed," Willow grinned.

"Ah. Hey, you didn't happen to see a pair of handcuffs under there, did you?"  
  
"Buffy, why would there be handcuffs under my bed?"  
  
"Er…no reason."  
  
"So Tara," Dawn said while walking over to the witch, "how are you feeling?"  
  
Tara stretched a little. "Pretty good, Dawnie. In fact, I have a couple of things to say." She turned to Willow. "You mind-wiped me! That's just sick! You try that again and I swear to Goddess I will do a spell that makes thousands of tiny screaming penises sprout up all over your body! And don't think I won't do it. And Xander," she whirled around and startled the young man into dropping his hamburger, "stop. Treating. Anya. Like. Shit. She gives and gives and all you can do is correct her and put her down in front of your friends! Oh, and Dawnie, I love you, but stop with the shining and whining!"

Willow, unused to seeing her docile girlfriend so full of passion, started to get aroused. She grabbed a nearby water bottle and started chugging. Tara ripped it from her hands.  
  
"You're not a fish, Willow! _Hydratus est_!" On her words, blue sparks flew from Tara's fingers to Willow's throat. "There. You're permanently hydrated, no more need to drink water ever again!"

Finally, Tara turned to the Slayer. "Buffy, I knew I said I wouldn't do this…but it has to be done. Guys, Buffy has been sleeping with Spike. He really loves her, and you know what? I think she loves him too. And they deserve to be together and know happiness, and if any one of you so much as passes one judgmental look over the pair, there…will…be…HELL…to…pay." Tara cleared her throat and smoothed down her dress. "Sorry if I came across as harsh. Now, pardon me, I have to go speak to some fashion nazis about getting me into more fashionable duds." Tara swept out of the room as everyone looked on in shock.

"Baby got BACK," Willow said lasciviously.

"Nobody puts Baby in a corner," Xander smirked.

"Hit me baby one more time," Anya grinned.

After a few minutes trying to come up with a similar quote to no avail, Buffy shrugged, walked over to Spike, and slipped her arm around his waist. "You heard her. Hell to pay. Now, whaddya say we summon this demon and get this over with?"  
  
Before anyone could move to gather summoning supplies, the television snapped on and the well-dressed demon appeared again on the monitor.

"Well," he smiled, "you did it. I admit, I had my doubts, but you managed to locate everything I asked of you. Anya's natural hair color, Spike's balls, Buffy's appetite, Xander's gym membership, Willow's heterosexuality, Dawn's real family, and Tara's backbone."  
  
"Do we get any sort of reward?" Xander asked.

"Yes. You get to benefit from my sage advice," the demon answered. "I suppose you're all wondering why I sent you on this epic quest."  
  
"Really not," Buffy said, rolling her eyes. "Um, Giles, little help here?" Her eyes were stuck in the roll again. The Watcher dutifully slapped his Slayer upside the head, and when her eyes were looking forward again, she motioned for the demon to continue.

"Well, I'll tell you why." The demon pulled off its mask to reveal itself as the evil fiend it really was.

"Oh good lord," Giles gasped, "you're Shelley Long!"

"That's right!" she laughed. "And I sent you on a scavenger hunt because I was bored. I was once like you. I was a popular young lady with a smashing career. Then I decided to step out of my job early and pursue a career in the movies! Do you know what my claim to fame is now? Playing a campy version of a television character created by someone else entirely years ago!" Shelley threw up her hands in disgust.

Buffy's lip quivered. "But that doesn't mean the same thing will happen to me, right?"  
  
"Do the names Shannen Doherty and Jennifer Love Hewitt mean anything to you?"  
  
The Slayer shuddered. "Okay, okay, point made. I won't abandon my job for a career in mediocre teen movies!"

"Then my job here is done." With a click the television returned to black.

Buffy turned to her friends. "Well, that was quite an adventure. How about everyone goes home, relaxes, and has lots and lots of sex with their partners of choice?"  
  
Willow, Xander, Anya, Spike, Giles, and Dawn all nodded and started to gather their coats to go home.

* * *

Whistler stepped out from beneath the darkness of the tree outside, pillow imprints still marring his face. He puffed on a cigar and began his intricate voice-over to a montage of the Scoobies going home and cuddling with their loves.

"The fact of the matter is, even when you're sure the career move you have planned is solid, you're not ready to face the truth. No one sane should give up a cushy job with a guaranteed paycheck to go and become a peddler of Hollywood crap, not really. And yet. So what are we, lunatics? Mindless entertainment zombies? No. The big deals for crappy movies are gonna be thrown your way, can't help that. It's what you do afterwards that counts. It's turning down the movies that are re-hashes of bad 1970's cartoons, waiting for the occasional art house flick to come your way and shoot you into superstardom. That's when you find out how Hollywood is."

He glanced up at Buffy's bedroom window to see Spike pulling down the shade and smiling broadly.

"You'll see what I mean."


End file.
